To Don't List
Seems like there's always a list or two in my pocket. Oh, look, here's a few...
Things I Saw At The Laundromat:
1. man using Clorox Bathroom Spray to remove a stain from his daughter's jumper- it definately removed all the pink from it !
2. news report claiming that the dangerous levels of lead in our school pipes will magically go away after you run the water for a mere 30 seconds.
3. liquor store guy arguing with intoxicated man regarding a Cinco De Mayo discount on his cheap booze.
Things Lucifer Did To Shoe In P.E. This Morning:
1. threw a rock at her while she was texting her boyfriend
2. wiped unidentified gooey substance on her bare arm
3. blew a snotrocket on her
4. shoved her
5. attempted to do The Hustle with her, but was apprehended by Lawdy and The Irritable Texan before his dance had concluded
How G Responded To My Talking With Our (Male) Emu:
1. grabbed my arm and attempted to gently drag me away
2. delicately grabbed Emu by the neck and gently shoved it away
3. grabbed a handful of Emu's feathers and not-so-gently yanked them out
Things That Excite G And Cause Him To Frantically Rub His Diaper:
1. Triple-A escaping from captivity and roaming the classroom
2. staff members starting/parking their cars
3. garbage trucks
4. other kids being subdued by overzealous staff members
5. yogurt
6. the plastic sliced carrots we use during food bingo
7, squirrels cutting through the emu pen
What The Social Committee Has The Audacity To Charge $5.00 For:
1. handful of stale corn chips (they ran out of salsa), no drinks
2. a (as in 1) donut and some watery coffee, which I don't drink anyway
3. hardened cake that was leftover from Dee's baby shower and wasn't theirs to sell
4. 1 green bagel (that time they ran out of cream cheese), again with the watery coffee
Jai's Latest Grievances Against LoB, Shared With Me On A Daily Basis:
1. "poor etiquette- why he doesn't ask before making beeg change ?"
2. "He has to go his own way !"
3. "Terrible teacher ! I weel ask Pauline who recommend him."
4. "Too silly !"
5. "Does not know anysing. He have degree ?"
Words Used By LoB (And Everyone Else) To Describe Jai:
1. "rigid"
2. "uncommunicative"
3. "paranoid"
4. "sensitive"
5. "obsessive"
Sparkle Moonbeam's Latest Drama:
1. got mad that the office staff didn't give her messages regarding her coddled adult son, but still refuses to turn on her cellphone so he can reach her directly.
2. allows Bratty Bree to hang out in our room after the bell rings, so when her bus room teacher has to come fetch her everyday we have to endure his irritation.
3. hyperventilated over our class not being offered any field trips to the opera, then had to sit with her head between her legs until her breathing normalized.
Things That Emu Thinks Will Impress Everyone:
1. standing regally at attention, with one foot haughtily planted in his own droppings.
2. puffing his neck at the head custodian, who never even looks at him.
3. flashing his miniscule dude-dangle at Tivo and I.
4. trampling on the goose and ducks every chance he gets
5. fixing a gimlet eye on me and blinking both sets of his right eyelids at once (one set opens up/down and the other side to side, which actually does impress me)
Things LoB Says That Really Don't Impress Anyone:
1. "Like it really makes a difference."
Said 3 times, in regard to the $600 stimulus check most of us are glad to be getting. Maybe he'll give me his since it doesn't make a real difference to him or the economy anyway.
2. "You better be careful sharing those photos- HEPPA and all that."
Photos for personal use are allowed unless there's a photo restriction, which none of our kids have. LoB knows nothing about HEPPA and violates it everyday by telling anyone who walks in the door who I work with and why, so I don't consider him an expert on confidentiality, especially not after he sent his mother pictures of us all.
3. "I know (insert celebrity name here)."
Sorry, but sitting next to Charlton Heston on a plane does not constitute knowing him.
4. "Why is everyone so fucking sensitive around here ?"
Because you're callous, that's why.
Possible Night Jobs To Occupy Smokin' Hot Cody, So I Can Get Some Sleep:
1. go-go dancer
2. gigalo
3. strip club MC
5. insomnia study test subject
6. salesperson in video game store
7. porn star
Where I See The Bobbai-Lama With His Ladyfriend:
1. walking to USA Donuts
2, walking from USA Donuts
3. inside USA Donuts
4. C'mon, Bobbai, spring for Shakey's once in a while !
What Caught Fire In The Cafeteria This Week:
1. English muffin that slipped down the back of the oven
2. Betsy's hairnet
3. exposed AC wiring above Betsy's head, hence the hairnet incident
4. garden burger made of asbestos-laden meat substitute
Why Garbage Trucks Bring Our Entire PE Class To A Halt:
1. loud noises drown out TIT screaming at everyone to get moving
2. rare glimpse of adults doing actual work too weird to miss
3. resemblence to their Mothership causes confused autistic students to stop and genuflect
4. possibility that TIT's wish will be granted (that something will fly out of a can and hit Shoe while she's texting).
Things Hippie Volunteer Is Afraid Of:
1. sugar
2. microwaves
3. cellphones
4. me
5. singing lessons
6. fun
Things I'm Afraid Of:
1. a slow, painful death
2. unfamiliar dogs
3. jumping into the deep end of a pool
4. Triple-A's diaper
5. the apple fritters at USA Donuts
6. being hit by the Orange Line when I jaywalk
7. my grandmother's ghost seeing my messy bedroom
8. dental work
9. aliens (UFO kind, not illegal kind)
10. roller coasters
Why Things Aren't Always As Bad As They Seem:
1. because they're about to get worse
2. because LoB is actually a nice guy, despite his annoying tendencies
3. because I put my stimulus check into my savings instead of buying a Curve with it
4. because my cellphone still works after being dropped on concrete 6 times this week
5. because I don't live in a war zone like Iraq (although Panorama City was real close)
6. because I don't have to change Triple-A's diaper, just smell it
7. because even though Testes died, 9 more interchangable Sea-Monkeys have taken his place (although none have freakishly large balls like he did)
8. because Cody doesn't come home every night, so I get 3-4 nights of sleep every week
9. because I don't live with Hamster Killer anymore
10. because I care, dammit !
Things I Saw At The Laundromat:
1. man using Clorox Bathroom Spray to remove a stain from his daughter's jumper- it definately removed all the pink from it !
2. news report claiming that the dangerous levels of lead in our school pipes will magically go away after you run the water for a mere 30 seconds.
3. liquor store guy arguing with intoxicated man regarding a Cinco De Mayo discount on his cheap booze.
Things Lucifer Did To Shoe In P.E. This Morning:
1. threw a rock at her while she was texting her boyfriend
2. wiped unidentified gooey substance on her bare arm
3. blew a snotrocket on her
4. shoved her
5. attempted to do The Hustle with her, but was apprehended by Lawdy and The Irritable Texan before his dance had concluded
How G Responded To My Talking With Our (Male) Emu:
1. grabbed my arm and attempted to gently drag me away
2. delicately grabbed Emu by the neck and gently shoved it away
3. grabbed a handful of Emu's feathers and not-so-gently yanked them out
Things That Excite G And Cause Him To Frantically Rub His Diaper:
1. Triple-A escaping from captivity and roaming the classroom
2. staff members starting/parking their cars
3. garbage trucks
4. other kids being subdued by overzealous staff members
5. yogurt
6. the plastic sliced carrots we use during food bingo
7, squirrels cutting through the emu pen
What The Social Committee Has The Audacity To Charge $5.00 For:
1. handful of stale corn chips (they ran out of salsa), no drinks
2. a (as in 1) donut and some watery coffee, which I don't drink anyway
3. hardened cake that was leftover from Dee's baby shower and wasn't theirs to sell
4. 1 green bagel (that time they ran out of cream cheese), again with the watery coffee
Jai's Latest Grievances Against LoB, Shared With Me On A Daily Basis:
1. "poor etiquette- why he doesn't ask before making beeg change ?"
2. "He has to go his own way !"
3. "Terrible teacher ! I weel ask Pauline who recommend him."
4. "Too silly !"
5. "Does not know anysing. He have degree ?"
Words Used By LoB (And Everyone Else) To Describe Jai:
1. "rigid"
2. "uncommunicative"
3. "paranoid"
4. "sensitive"
5. "obsessive"
Sparkle Moonbeam's Latest Drama:
1. got mad that the office staff didn't give her messages regarding her coddled adult son, but still refuses to turn on her cellphone so he can reach her directly.
2. allows Bratty Bree to hang out in our room after the bell rings, so when her bus room teacher has to come fetch her everyday we have to endure his irritation.
3. hyperventilated over our class not being offered any field trips to the opera, then had to sit with her head between her legs until her breathing normalized.
Things That Emu Thinks Will Impress Everyone:
1. standing regally at attention, with one foot haughtily planted in his own droppings.
2. puffing his neck at the head custodian, who never even looks at him.
3. flashing his miniscule dude-dangle at Tivo and I.
4. trampling on the goose and ducks every chance he gets
5. fixing a gimlet eye on me and blinking both sets of his right eyelids at once (one set opens up/down and the other side to side, which actually does impress me)
Things LoB Says That Really Don't Impress Anyone:
1. "Like it really makes a difference."
Said 3 times, in regard to the $600 stimulus check most of us are glad to be getting. Maybe he'll give me his since it doesn't make a real difference to him or the economy anyway.
2. "You better be careful sharing those photos- HEPPA and all that."
Photos for personal use are allowed unless there's a photo restriction, which none of our kids have. LoB knows nothing about HEPPA and violates it everyday by telling anyone who walks in the door who I work with and why, so I don't consider him an expert on confidentiality, especially not after he sent his mother pictures of us all.
3. "I know (insert celebrity name here)."
Sorry, but sitting next to Charlton Heston on a plane does not constitute knowing him.
4. "Why is everyone so fucking sensitive around here ?"
Because you're callous, that's why.
Possible Night Jobs To Occupy Smokin' Hot Cody, So I Can Get Some Sleep:
1. go-go dancer
2. gigalo
3. strip club MC
5. insomnia study test subject
6. salesperson in video game store
7. porn star
Where I See The Bobbai-Lama With His Ladyfriend:
1. walking to USA Donuts
2, walking from USA Donuts
3. inside USA Donuts
4. C'mon, Bobbai, spring for Shakey's once in a while !
What Caught Fire In The Cafeteria This Week:
1. English muffin that slipped down the back of the oven
2. Betsy's hairnet
3. exposed AC wiring above Betsy's head, hence the hairnet incident
4. garden burger made of asbestos-laden meat substitute
Why Garbage Trucks Bring Our Entire PE Class To A Halt:
1. loud noises drown out TIT screaming at everyone to get moving
2. rare glimpse of adults doing actual work too weird to miss
3. resemblence to their Mothership causes confused autistic students to stop and genuflect
4. possibility that TIT's wish will be granted (that something will fly out of a can and hit Shoe while she's texting).
Things Hippie Volunteer Is Afraid Of:
1. sugar
2. microwaves
3. cellphones
4. me
5. singing lessons
6. fun
Things I'm Afraid Of:
1. a slow, painful death
2. unfamiliar dogs
3. jumping into the deep end of a pool
4. Triple-A's diaper
5. the apple fritters at USA Donuts
6. being hit by the Orange Line when I jaywalk
7. my grandmother's ghost seeing my messy bedroom
8. dental work
9. aliens (UFO kind, not illegal kind)
10. roller coasters
Why Things Aren't Always As Bad As They Seem:
1. because they're about to get worse
2. because LoB is actually a nice guy, despite his annoying tendencies
3. because I put my stimulus check into my savings instead of buying a Curve with it
4. because my cellphone still works after being dropped on concrete 6 times this week
5. because I don't live in a war zone like Iraq (although Panorama City was real close)
6. because I don't have to change Triple-A's diaper, just smell it
7. because even though Testes died, 9 more interchangable Sea-Monkeys have taken his place (although none have freakishly large balls like he did)
8. because Cody doesn't come home every night, so I get 3-4 nights of sleep every week
9. because I don't live with Hamster Killer anymore
10. because I care, dammit !
posted by Fredrika Krueger at 9:34 PM
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