"Had Enough, Or Are You Thirsty For More ?"

Deshiki was saying that all week, then he wrote "Touch Girls" on our chalkboard. I thought the former would make a more fitting subject header for this quiz...

1. I demanded a meeting with Jai, LoB and my boss Juicy for what reason ?
a) to stop G from punching everybody
b) to stop LoB from giving G a punching bag
c) to stop Jai from punching LoB when he found out about the punching bag
d) all of the above

correct answer: D, all of the above.

2. After reading about him for 8 months, Merry finally recognised which nefarious evil-doer as a member of her church ?
a) Lawdy the perv
b) LoB the new guy
c) Lez the persecuted
d) Lucifer the leghumper

correct answer: D. She donated blood for him when he was an infant, causing me to speculate as to whether we should thank her or have her taken out and shot.

3. Which celebrity am I stalking this week ?
a) Benmont Tench, geriatric keyboard player
b) Ioan Gruffudd, closeted cocaine addict
c) Jillina, functionally alcoholic bellydancer
d) somebody else you've never heard of

correct answer: A. Does anyone have any spare duct tape ?

4. Jai is to real friendly like:
a) MTV is to real music
b) KFC is to real chicken
c) American Idol is to real talent
d) all of the above

correct answer: D, all of the above. The credit for a and b goes to Lewis Black, who used them in his stand-up routine about the Superbowl. C is my personal opinion.

5. Shannon is dating a:
a) geek
b) Greek
c) sneak
d) freak

correct answer: B, although she hasn't known him for very long, so the other 3 might eventually be correct as well.

6. My neighbor entertained us last night by:
a) screaming profanity at no one in particular for an hour
b) making out with his girlfriend in front of the window again
c) calling for her dog repeatedly, which was in her apartment the whole time
d) all of the above

correct answer: D. My online friends, who all live in the sticks where it's nice and quiet, find my neighbors to be endlessly entertaining.

7. Which houseplant will I kill next ?
a) nameless plant- the weird one that I know nothing about
b) Bella, my beloved palm
c) Sweetie, my sweet potato plant that is taking over the neighborhood
d) Spike, my spider-infested cactus

correct answer: A. I knew there was a reason I never named that damn thing...

8. Which home-improvement project was most appreciated this week ?
a) Ugly finally hung a curtain, so we don't have to see him make out with his girlfriend anymore
b) Benmont finally put a lock on his ugly green mailbox, so stalkers can't leave him disturbing letters anymore
c) I finally duct taped that ugly tear in our padded toilet seat, so it wouldn't cut my buttcheek anymore
d) Our landlady finally filled the ugly hole in our wall with an AC unit, so we wouldn't get heat stroke anymore

correct answer: Man, it's so hard to pick- I can't decide between the relief my ass feels now that I've taped the seat, and the relief my eyes feel now that I don't have to see Ugly's dribbly French-kissing anymore. Pick your favorite.

9. Clairice thinks I should:
a) be a writer
b) respect her restraining order
c) donate my body to science-fiction
d) pay for the next round of pancakes (hint hint)

correct answer: A. Funny, I thought I WAS writing... silly me.

10. You read these because:
a) it hasn't been the same since that Sanjayas guy was booted off American Idol
b) your lack of personal boundaries means you can't say no
c) it beats a phone call from me
d) both b and c

correct answer: D, both b and c.

Speaking of beat, I have to rest up for G tomorrow. Nighty night !