Spring Has Sprung (Again)
SPRING FEVER
The Orange Line is MTA's greatest accomplishment- it only costs you $1.25 and 45 minutes of your life to cross the Valley, and entertainment is often provided by other passengers for no additional fee.
Case in point: on Monday, I had the pleasure of observing four UCLA jocks who'd never taken public transportation before. Jocks 1, 2, 3 and 4 were horrified by a homeless couple making sloppy love (knocking a woman's cell phone out of her hand in the process), and expressed dismay to each other that the driver would ignore such behavior. When the shell-shocked athletes exited the bus, the groping couple sat up and waved good-bye to them.
THE WEARIN' OF THE GRINGO
L.A. knows nothing about St. Patrick's Day, as evidenced by the crummy parade on Monday. There are only so many firetrucks and police cars I need to see, the two bagpipe groups that hijacked their fellow Celts' holiday were miniscule, and the celebrities boasted of on the flyer were nowhere to be found. Ok, Eric Estrada did ride in the parade, but how many decades has it been since anyone's considered him a viable celebrity, let alone an Irish one ? I do have to give Eric props for laughing when I shouted "Are you Eric O'Strada today ?", because a middle-aged male CHIPS fan was trying to climb in Eric's car at same time I was heckling him, which I would find very distracting if it were happening to me.
NEVER A DULL MOMENT AT THE FOX FIRE LOUNGE
I finally gave up on the remaining 73 firetrucks and shuffled off to my local bar, where I was befriended by a woman who tried to hustle me off to her apartment for some girl-on-girl action. Not ! If I was going to engage in kissy-face with a chick, it certainly wouldn't be with one who added her pot dealer's drinks to my tab and then propositioned Tammy the S&M Stylist out in the smoking area.
Tammy immediately stubbed out her billionth cigarette of the day and came inside to inform me that I'd better close out my tab and get ready to beat some ass. Meanwhile, my skanky admirer had bailed on foot with my jacket, but didn't get very far because she was hampered by the alcohol content of three Long Island Ice Teas. Tammy and I drove to the nearest competing bar and waited patiently for Skank to stagger up, then relieved her of my garment and tailed her home to make sure she didn't pass out in the bushes or topple into the street. Good times !
THE WEARIN' OF THE TIGHTY-WHITIES
Without the benefit of alcohol, one of the 5th period students decided to remove his pants, which apparently were hindering his use of the eliptical machine. In compliance with Gino's strict rules regarding gym attire, Jeffy obediently wore his shoes and socks while using the equipment.
THE LUCK O' THE HELL GROUP
Picture the expression on my face when Hippie Volunteer mentioned that he also entertains Stretch Mark's classroom on a weekly basis, then picture my expression when he and his hippie dad mangled "Imagine" for our listening displeasure.
PLEASE WON'T YOU BE MY NEIGHBOR ?
What each of my neighbors are doing at this very moment:
Hope- watching The Sound Of Music (The "Do Re Mi" scene has just ended).
Ugly's brother- watching porn on Ugly's computer with the curtains open.
Smokin' Hot Cody- watching The Big Lebowski in surround-sound, which is making my fillings vibrate.
Mystery Tenant- smoking in front of his apartment and looking irritated with the world.
Maggie- still weeping because she accidently locked her dog out last night. Average Dan almost sent it to the pound because of Hope, who said it wasn't Muttie because it didn't respond to her, but Cody recognized it just in time and locked it their apartment for safe-keeping.
Fortunately, the dog immediately started howling and Maggie heard it as she was getting out of her car. Unfortunately, Mystery Tenant also heard it and came out to accuse us all of dognapping. I knew Dan was halfway to alcohol poisoning over at the infamous Fox Fire Lounge and retrieved him so he could let the dog out, but Maggie feels so guilty that she's cried off and on all day.
The Orange Line is MTA's greatest accomplishment- it only costs you $1.25 and 45 minutes of your life to cross the Valley, and entertainment is often provided by other passengers for no additional fee.
Case in point: on Monday, I had the pleasure of observing four UCLA jocks who'd never taken public transportation before. Jocks 1, 2, 3 and 4 were horrified by a homeless couple making sloppy love (knocking a woman's cell phone out of her hand in the process), and expressed dismay to each other that the driver would ignore such behavior. When the shell-shocked athletes exited the bus, the groping couple sat up and waved good-bye to them.
THE WEARIN' OF THE GRINGO
L.A. knows nothing about St. Patrick's Day, as evidenced by the crummy parade on Monday. There are only so many firetrucks and police cars I need to see, the two bagpipe groups that hijacked their fellow Celts' holiday were miniscule, and the celebrities boasted of on the flyer were nowhere to be found. Ok, Eric Estrada did ride in the parade, but how many decades has it been since anyone's considered him a viable celebrity, let alone an Irish one ? I do have to give Eric props for laughing when I shouted "Are you Eric O'Strada today ?", because a middle-aged male CHIPS fan was trying to climb in Eric's car at same time I was heckling him, which I would find very distracting if it were happening to me.
NEVER A DULL MOMENT AT THE FOX FIRE LOUNGE
I finally gave up on the remaining 73 firetrucks and shuffled off to my local bar, where I was befriended by a woman who tried to hustle me off to her apartment for some girl-on-girl action. Not ! If I was going to engage in kissy-face with a chick, it certainly wouldn't be with one who added her pot dealer's drinks to my tab and then propositioned Tammy the S&M Stylist out in the smoking area.
Tammy immediately stubbed out her billionth cigarette of the day and came inside to inform me that I'd better close out my tab and get ready to beat some ass. Meanwhile, my skanky admirer had bailed on foot with my jacket, but didn't get very far because she was hampered by the alcohol content of three Long Island Ice Teas. Tammy and I drove to the nearest competing bar and waited patiently for Skank to stagger up, then relieved her of my garment and tailed her home to make sure she didn't pass out in the bushes or topple into the street. Good times !
THE WEARIN' OF THE TIGHTY-WHITIES
Without the benefit of alcohol, one of the 5th period students decided to remove his pants, which apparently were hindering his use of the eliptical machine. In compliance with Gino's strict rules regarding gym attire, Jeffy obediently wore his shoes and socks while using the equipment.
THE LUCK O' THE HELL GROUP
Picture the expression on my face when Hippie Volunteer mentioned that he also entertains Stretch Mark's classroom on a weekly basis, then picture my expression when he and his hippie dad mangled "Imagine" for our listening displeasure.
PLEASE WON'T YOU BE MY NEIGHBOR ?
What each of my neighbors are doing at this very moment:
Hope- watching The Sound Of Music (The "Do Re Mi" scene has just ended).
Ugly's brother- watching porn on Ugly's computer with the curtains open.
Smokin' Hot Cody- watching The Big Lebowski in surround-sound, which is making my fillings vibrate.
Mystery Tenant- smoking in front of his apartment and looking irritated with the world.
Maggie- still weeping because she accidently locked her dog out last night. Average Dan almost sent it to the pound because of Hope, who said it wasn't Muttie because it didn't respond to her, but Cody recognized it just in time and locked it their apartment for safe-keeping.
Fortunately, the dog immediately started howling and Maggie heard it as she was getting out of her car. Unfortunately, Mystery Tenant also heard it and came out to accuse us all of dognapping. I knew Dan was halfway to alcohol poisoning over at the infamous Fox Fire Lounge and retrieved him so he could let the dog out, but Maggie feels so guilty that she's cried off and on all day.
posted by Fredrika Krueger at 9:44 PM
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