Everything Old Is New Again
Well, here I am at the library, trying to play catch up with everybody while some dumb twat chats away on her cell phone next to me. As you can see, as much as my life has improved, my feelings toward most of my fellow humans haven't. That could be because the girl next to me just announced that she knows she's us pissing off, but doesn't care. I'm sure her parents are so proud...
So anyway, I stopped blogging past year due to a serious depression that magically lifted as soon as I no longer was assigned to G, who is still ransacking the school and has gone through 2 behaviorists since I left. Not that any of you noticed- not one blog devotee ever commented on the sudden lack of vile expletives in their lives, so I assumed that you were all just being polite and really didn't miss having to read my jaundiced views on the world.
Then my favorite dominatrix rolled back into town, demanding to know why I never send her any smartass emails any more, and the temptation to annoy what few friends I have left was just too great to resist. So here I am again, with considerably less to bitch about, not that that's ever stopped me. Luckily, the students in my new classroom keep me busily typing away. I'll give you the quickie version of my last 9 months so you can get on to the meet and greet.
January sucked ass- I had to move and pouted because only one friend offered any help. My bad attitude increased when my boss yanked me off of G's case for my own safety, leaving me with no regular income. Fortunately, I was still loafing in the spare bedroom at Toni's, where I'd taken up residence in January and still remain, lingering like a bad smell. The aforementioned One Friend rescued me from a suicidal haze by donating her extra car to me, bouying my spirits. I was then assigned to the world's easiest (and cutest) child, in a classroom where the teacher's head isn't up her own ass and everyone is on the same page discipline-wise. I know you're thinking that such a thing can't possibly happen at a school in L.A., land of the New Age child spoilers, but I assure you that I'm not making it up.
Life is looking a lot better these days, barring Powder's constant need for expensive repairs. I christened the car "Powder" because the ceiling liner fell off years ago, and when I hit a bump, I am lovingly dusted with a golden powder that complements my hair color but not my skin tone. A few friends have worriedly commented on the asbestos content of said gold powder, but I'm more concerned about the horribly loud squeak, nay, shriek, that has plagued my vehicle since I had the rear brakes done. However, if this is all I have to worry about this year, I'll consider myself lucky (but still bitch about it).
But Tahanet, you ask, what are your new kids like ? Ok, I'll tell you. In honor of my drama-kid friend moving down to L.A., I'll present the students in the usual way, as characters in the personal saga that revolves around me, me, me.
The players:
* Single A *
Not nearly as much fun as Triple A (see 2007 archives if you don't remember), and stares vacantly into space all day like a government employee. A is the cutest 6 year-old with a mustache that I've ever seen, and hardly requires my services, so I now devote most of my paid time to pointing out the numerous grammatical errors in the despicable Open Court curriculum, which my tax dollars helped purchase.
* Bones *
Talented artist whom eats approximately 3 calories per day. Bones often attempts to out-stare A, which makes me feel like I'm teaching a couple of medical cadavers.
* Teeny Tiny Tony *
Three T has never attended school before, and it shows. He may be the smallest kid in the school, but he makes up for it by being the biggest pain in the ass when his presence is required for any remotely academic task.
* Fang *
I'm not sure if someone filed this kid's front teeth thay way on purpose or if they're just extraordinarily triangular. Fang's autistic superpower is lightning-fast foot stomping, on my feet exclusively. I'd like to pause here for a moment and give a shout out to Darko, originator of the term "autisitic superpower".
* The Kid I Want To Slap Into Next Week, aka The Penguin *
This obese little cherub makes sounds just like his namesake, cries, throws shoes, whines, cries, refuses to work, throws food, cries, growls, gives dirty looks, complains, cries, breaks all the pencils, and then cries some more, ALL DAY, EVERY DAY. If it weren't for the fact that his dad is hooking me up with some sweet auto repair deals, I'd have already planted this kid 6-feet under.
* Danheim *
Not his real name, but it's how he writes it on his papers. We are understandably puzzled by the international flair of his Eurotrash nom de plume, because Danheim is 100% Mexican. Danheim has developed a crush on yours truely, often bringing me wilted dandelions as a display of his affections. Unfortunately for Herr Dan, he is the most unremarkable child I've ever met, and I didn't even notice when he was absent for 2 days. Such are the pains of unrequited love...
* Julian *
This handsome and charming sociopath could give the Hell Group's Dilbert a run for his money. When he isn't punching Bones in his non-existent stomach, he can be observed weaseling his way out of doing math and stealing the toys out of Danheim's backpack that Danheim stole from the classroom.
Supporting Cast:
* Misha *
Young but experienced, she rules our little kingdom with an iron fist tempered by unexpected moments of sentimentality, and has eroded her stomach lining into an ulcerous pulp in the process.
*Sasha *
Sasha's Persian name is unpronouncable to anyone with a soft palate, but we love her anyway. Mellow and old enough to be our mother, Sasha is the quiet strength of our special place in Hell.
* Alice the Super Catholic *
Alice has devoted herself to making The Penguin's life miserable, which endeared her to me immediately.
The lights are flickering and the head librarian is about to boot us out, so I must take my leave now. Until next post, keep it real, homies.
So anyway, I stopped blogging past year due to a serious depression that magically lifted as soon as I no longer was assigned to G, who is still ransacking the school and has gone through 2 behaviorists since I left. Not that any of you noticed- not one blog devotee ever commented on the sudden lack of vile expletives in their lives, so I assumed that you were all just being polite and really didn't miss having to read my jaundiced views on the world.
Then my favorite dominatrix rolled back into town, demanding to know why I never send her any smartass emails any more, and the temptation to annoy what few friends I have left was just too great to resist. So here I am again, with considerably less to bitch about, not that that's ever stopped me. Luckily, the students in my new classroom keep me busily typing away. I'll give you the quickie version of my last 9 months so you can get on to the meet and greet.
January sucked ass- I had to move and pouted because only one friend offered any help. My bad attitude increased when my boss yanked me off of G's case for my own safety, leaving me with no regular income. Fortunately, I was still loafing in the spare bedroom at Toni's, where I'd taken up residence in January and still remain, lingering like a bad smell. The aforementioned One Friend rescued me from a suicidal haze by donating her extra car to me, bouying my spirits. I was then assigned to the world's easiest (and cutest) child, in a classroom where the teacher's head isn't up her own ass and everyone is on the same page discipline-wise. I know you're thinking that such a thing can't possibly happen at a school in L.A., land of the New Age child spoilers, but I assure you that I'm not making it up.
Life is looking a lot better these days, barring Powder's constant need for expensive repairs. I christened the car "Powder" because the ceiling liner fell off years ago, and when I hit a bump, I am lovingly dusted with a golden powder that complements my hair color but not my skin tone. A few friends have worriedly commented on the asbestos content of said gold powder, but I'm more concerned about the horribly loud squeak, nay, shriek, that has plagued my vehicle since I had the rear brakes done. However, if this is all I have to worry about this year, I'll consider myself lucky (but still bitch about it).
But Tahanet, you ask, what are your new kids like ? Ok, I'll tell you. In honor of my drama-kid friend moving down to L.A., I'll present the students in the usual way, as characters in the personal saga that revolves around me, me, me.
The players:
* Single A *
Not nearly as much fun as Triple A (see 2007 archives if you don't remember), and stares vacantly into space all day like a government employee. A is the cutest 6 year-old with a mustache that I've ever seen, and hardly requires my services, so I now devote most of my paid time to pointing out the numerous grammatical errors in the despicable Open Court curriculum, which my tax dollars helped purchase.
* Bones *
Talented artist whom eats approximately 3 calories per day. Bones often attempts to out-stare A, which makes me feel like I'm teaching a couple of medical cadavers.
* Teeny Tiny Tony *
Three T has never attended school before, and it shows. He may be the smallest kid in the school, but he makes up for it by being the biggest pain in the ass when his presence is required for any remotely academic task.
* Fang *
I'm not sure if someone filed this kid's front teeth thay way on purpose or if they're just extraordinarily triangular. Fang's autistic superpower is lightning-fast foot stomping, on my feet exclusively. I'd like to pause here for a moment and give a shout out to Darko, originator of the term "autisitic superpower".
* The Kid I Want To Slap Into Next Week, aka The Penguin *
This obese little cherub makes sounds just like his namesake, cries, throws shoes, whines, cries, refuses to work, throws food, cries, growls, gives dirty looks, complains, cries, breaks all the pencils, and then cries some more, ALL DAY, EVERY DAY. If it weren't for the fact that his dad is hooking me up with some sweet auto repair deals, I'd have already planted this kid 6-feet under.
* Danheim *
Not his real name, but it's how he writes it on his papers. We are understandably puzzled by the international flair of his Eurotrash nom de plume, because Danheim is 100% Mexican. Danheim has developed a crush on yours truely, often bringing me wilted dandelions as a display of his affections. Unfortunately for Herr Dan, he is the most unremarkable child I've ever met, and I didn't even notice when he was absent for 2 days. Such are the pains of unrequited love...
* Julian *
This handsome and charming sociopath could give the Hell Group's Dilbert a run for his money. When he isn't punching Bones in his non-existent stomach, he can be observed weaseling his way out of doing math and stealing the toys out of Danheim's backpack that Danheim stole from the classroom.
Supporting Cast:
* Misha *
Young but experienced, she rules our little kingdom with an iron fist tempered by unexpected moments of sentimentality, and has eroded her stomach lining into an ulcerous pulp in the process.
*Sasha *
Sasha's Persian name is unpronouncable to anyone with a soft palate, but we love her anyway. Mellow and old enough to be our mother, Sasha is the quiet strength of our special place in Hell.
* Alice the Super Catholic *
Alice has devoted herself to making The Penguin's life miserable, which endeared her to me immediately.
The lights are flickering and the head librarian is about to boot us out, so I must take my leave now. Until next post, keep it real, homies.
posted by Fredrika Krueger at 5:28 PM
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