Shouldn't It Be White-Out ?
It's been an exhausting month here at Drama Central, but I'm finally able to laugh about the following:
IN THE LAND OF THE BLIND, THE ONE-EYED EMU IS KING
Emu kicked off the new school year by dropping a load of pre-digested bird kibble everytime he saw G, puffing his neck impressively at the scantily-clad behaviorist known as Chi Chi whenever she wandered past his enclosure, and pecking at the eyes of that new kid who is a real pain in the ass. Today I watched Emu walk straight into a tree, and decided that perhaps he's been spending too much time around our students. I'm not sure exactly why, but G threw his stuffed panda into Emu's pen and then cried when I refused to retrieve it from a pile of fresh droppings.
THE MORE THINGS CHANGE, THE MORE THEY REMAIN INSANE
G's new teacher is Inga, an Argentinian rumored to be the offspring of Nazis. Sometimes I believe that, since Inga's zeal for orderly conduct inspires her to make classroom rules like the one forbidding us from looking at each other. Needless to say, Inga is a nervous wreck on our campus, where LoB once observed "The predominant teaching strategy here is Chaos Theory." Speaking of LoB, we are bosom buddies again, now that we aren't trapped in the same room together anymore.
At this very moment, Inga is calling my boss (again) in an attempt to form an alliance with anyone who might be able to get G out of her classroom, even though Jujube has made no secret of how much she hates Inga's guts for putting another behaviorist through hell last year. The principal (who is my pal, unfortunately for Frau Inga) is not having with the constant whine coming from Inga's direction, and is about to make a few rules of her own for us, which I anticipate will cause Inga to either develop an astonishingly large ulcer or bring her Glock to school one day soon.
Meanwhile, Jai has taken up residence in Room 2, which seems to be where they dumped all the foreign aides this year. Jai completely ignores G whenever they see each other and can often be seen scowling menacingly at his new victim, Cal, which caused G to cry everyday for the first 2 weeks of school. G eventually threw his lunchbox at Cal for stealing his man away and then got on with his life, but still gazes longingly at Jai every once in a while, because you never completely forget your first love.
CALL OF THE WILD
For you PETA advocates keeping track of animal rights abuses: So far this month, G has ripped the legs off of two rubber frogs, lobbed a stuffed bear into steaming emu shit, tried to stomp a cricket to death, stalked a murder of crows around the track, ripped a bunch of feathers out of Emu's ass, and attempted to drown the psycho mallard that was attacking another behaviorist. The only animal that seems to have his respect these days is the rabid squirrel that brazenly marches into Emu's pen every afternoon and steals a bunch of the feed pellets that Emu despises anyway, but I suspect that has more to do with the speed of said squirrel's departure from the area more than with any genuine concern on G's part for his fellow creatures.
NEWS FROM THE HOMEFRONT:
So far, the only potential renter who's shown any interest in our humble home is a pumped-up weightlifter guy, but since his steroid abuse will probably render him impotent soon, I doubt he'll be much trouble. What I do consider troublesome is his 51" plasma-screen TV, guarenteed to give Average Dan and Smokin' Hot Cody some serious competition in the noise department, and which will probably be the trigger for that killing spree I've been putting off until the weather's cooler (decomposure is slower then). Christmas wish-list: jumbo roll of duct tape, chainsaw, heavy-duty wood chipper, and backhoe.
THINGS BOTHERING ME THIS WEEK:
- the fact that I still owe people money way longer than I was planning to
- the substantial rent increase in November
- why I can't find an MP3 player that doesn't suck ass or come loaded with crapware
- Shannon's back injury not being taken seriously by Doctor Dickweed
- radio ads trying to convince me that we need to "save" the institution of marriage from the homosexuals, as if straight people will suddenly be unable to commit to eternal misery just because Adam and Steve did
- People who think Obama is the next Messiah or that Sarah Palin has women's best interests at heart
- The teacher who protests every year against Biker John celebrating Dia De Los Muertos in his classroom, but then expects the tolerance he doesn't show others when Christmas rolls around and he wants to set up his Nativity scene
- these stupid headaches
- Why Wite-Out is missing the H
IN THE LAND OF THE BLIND, THE ONE-EYED EMU IS KING
Emu kicked off the new school year by dropping a load of pre-digested bird kibble everytime he saw G, puffing his neck impressively at the scantily-clad behaviorist known as Chi Chi whenever she wandered past his enclosure, and pecking at the eyes of that new kid who is a real pain in the ass. Today I watched Emu walk straight into a tree, and decided that perhaps he's been spending too much time around our students. I'm not sure exactly why, but G threw his stuffed panda into Emu's pen and then cried when I refused to retrieve it from a pile of fresh droppings.
THE MORE THINGS CHANGE, THE MORE THEY REMAIN INSANE
G's new teacher is Inga, an Argentinian rumored to be the offspring of Nazis. Sometimes I believe that, since Inga's zeal for orderly conduct inspires her to make classroom rules like the one forbidding us from looking at each other. Needless to say, Inga is a nervous wreck on our campus, where LoB once observed "The predominant teaching strategy here is Chaos Theory." Speaking of LoB, we are bosom buddies again, now that we aren't trapped in the same room together anymore.
At this very moment, Inga is calling my boss (again) in an attempt to form an alliance with anyone who might be able to get G out of her classroom, even though Jujube has made no secret of how much she hates Inga's guts for putting another behaviorist through hell last year. The principal (who is my pal, unfortunately for Frau Inga) is not having with the constant whine coming from Inga's direction, and is about to make a few rules of her own for us, which I anticipate will cause Inga to either develop an astonishingly large ulcer or bring her Glock to school one day soon.
Meanwhile, Jai has taken up residence in Room 2, which seems to be where they dumped all the foreign aides this year. Jai completely ignores G whenever they see each other and can often be seen scowling menacingly at his new victim, Cal, which caused G to cry everyday for the first 2 weeks of school. G eventually threw his lunchbox at Cal for stealing his man away and then got on with his life, but still gazes longingly at Jai every once in a while, because you never completely forget your first love.
CALL OF THE WILD
For you PETA advocates keeping track of animal rights abuses: So far this month, G has ripped the legs off of two rubber frogs, lobbed a stuffed bear into steaming emu shit, tried to stomp a cricket to death, stalked a murder of crows around the track, ripped a bunch of feathers out of Emu's ass, and attempted to drown the psycho mallard that was attacking another behaviorist. The only animal that seems to have his respect these days is the rabid squirrel that brazenly marches into Emu's pen every afternoon and steals a bunch of the feed pellets that Emu despises anyway, but I suspect that has more to do with the speed of said squirrel's departure from the area more than with any genuine concern on G's part for his fellow creatures.
NEWS FROM THE HOMEFRONT:
So far, the only potential renter who's shown any interest in our humble home is a pumped-up weightlifter guy, but since his steroid abuse will probably render him impotent soon, I doubt he'll be much trouble. What I do consider troublesome is his 51" plasma-screen TV, guarenteed to give Average Dan and Smokin' Hot Cody some serious competition in the noise department, and which will probably be the trigger for that killing spree I've been putting off until the weather's cooler (decomposure is slower then). Christmas wish-list: jumbo roll of duct tape, chainsaw, heavy-duty wood chipper, and backhoe.
THINGS BOTHERING ME THIS WEEK:
- the fact that I still owe people money way longer than I was planning to
- the substantial rent increase in November
- why I can't find an MP3 player that doesn't suck ass or come loaded with crapware
- Shannon's back injury not being taken seriously by Doctor Dickweed
- radio ads trying to convince me that we need to "save" the institution of marriage from the homosexuals, as if straight people will suddenly be unable to commit to eternal misery just because Adam and Steve did
- People who think Obama is the next Messiah or that Sarah Palin has women's best interests at heart
- The teacher who protests every year against Biker John celebrating Dia De Los Muertos in his classroom, but then expects the tolerance he doesn't show others when Christmas rolls around and he wants to set up his Nativity scene
- these stupid headaches
- Why Wite-Out is missing the H
posted by Fredrika Krueger at 12:41 AM
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