What I've Been Doing On My Summer Vacation, Pt. 2
What vacation ? I've been hustling G all over campus during summer session, which is not my idea of relaxing, although G seems to find it amusing. He did not find the earthquake very funny, however, because his lunch was revolving in the microwave when I demanded that he evacuate with the rest of the class. I had to dodge several blows and do some crazy linebacker moves just to get him out of the classroom, but once he couldn't smell his rice bowl anymore all the fight went out of him and he slouched across campus with the rest of the starving students. Only one kid in the entire student body cried, and of course she is in our classroom for the summer.
Speaking of joining our class for the summer... we were blessed (or cursed, depending on who you ask) by the presence of Lucifer, the scourge of TIT's PE class last year and a leg humper to boot. When he isn't laying in wait under his desk for an unsuspecting ankle to grab, Lucifer can usually be found in various time-out locations around the classroom, and sometimes in the hallway when LoB is particularly annoyed with him. Try as I may, I just can't see any evidence of Mary's donated blood influencing that kid, unless she's a closet Discordian or something.
I didn't have much time to dwell on Lucifer's attacks upon my various body parts, because I was busy sorting through my considerable collection of faded receipts, ancient band-aids, 7,000 non-functional pens, and other related detritus. Our building was one that was randomly selected for inspection this summer, and there was no way we'd pass muster with my tottering heaps of flammable debris patiently waiting to collapse on someone. A similar cleaning spree went on back in Ohio, where my aunts valiantly sorted and tagged billions of items that my grandmother had forgotten she owned but couldn't live without. Between this apartment and Grandma's house, I think we created a landfill the size of Montana.
While piling so much crap into the dumpster that it wouldn't close for 2 weeks, I had plenty of time to perseverate. I contemplated the gall of someone who complained to me about how hard life is, then settled in for 4 hours of television viewing that truely overworked people (in sweatshops all over L.A., for instance) have no time to enjoy. LoB made the mistake of starting a fight with me that I was more than happy to finish; I spent several hours fantasizing about exactly what I'd say to the dumbfucker if I ever won the lottery and wasn't worried about getting fired anymore- at least he kept my mind off of how people (like him) who watch a lot of TV complain the loudest about the injustice they see on the news, but do the least about it because they never turn off the tube off long enough to become part of the solution. Then the landlady called to say the garbage collectors had complained about the dumpster lid not closing, and I was able to enjoy bitching about that for two entire days. Good times...
On the day before the inspection, I finally took a break and dragged ass over to Rite Aide for ice cream, and ran into Bernie, who looked fabulous since you asked. Then I snuck on my computer to chat with people I've never met but somehow consider to be friends, and we all bitched about people who waste so much time playing video games, which we wasted about 3 hours discussing. We then progressed to the topic of white guys who blast rap music in their cars, but lock the doors if a black guy approaches to wash their windows. LoB confessed to doing that very thing and was unable to see why it irked me so- he received computerized hoots of derision for another 45 minutes after I shared his lameness with my "friends" online. I don't know when I've ever had so much fun avoiding housework, but we did still manage to pass the inspection despite my best efforts to sabotage myself. Even at underacheiving, I'm an underacheiver.
Gossip around town:
- Shannon finally graduated from the Venus Flytrap known as National University- hurray !
- G started crying when he was forced to watch Olympic Men's Volleyball.
- The downstairs neighbor who calls her dog "Mommy" is moving out, which was fun to watch because noone could lift her big-screen TV far enough off the ground to get it out of the doorway. Finally, help arrived, causing Hope and I to lose interest and hurry inside before anyone could ask us for help hauling boxes out to the truck.
- Mary Ann is a grandma again, this time of a baby boy who's name she refuses to use because it's stupid (just like the baby's dad is). Another reason not to have your own kids- watching them fuck up your grandchild is more stressful than just raising the damn thing yourself.
- Richard demonstrated knowledge of how to make a purchase independently by taking off on me at Target, hitting the snackbar and then hiding in the custodial closet to munch on his contraband while harried Target "team members" frantically paged him for 20 minutes and trawled the aisles in search of him. Richard's funeral will be held as soon as the detectives can pry the location of his body from me.
- Barf announced that she's been looking for a cheaper place to live. I laughed hysterically for what seemed like 15 minutes, then sent an e-mail out to all of my friends asking who was willing to rent out their broomcloset to me. Seriously, what is the deal with the rents in this Valley ?!
- Richard's prescription drug-addled grandma dropped her cigarette and asked me to find it, but since I was not about to fondle her sagging breasts, I completely missed it hiding out between them until it burned a hole through her shirt.
- I finally wrote this, you finally read it, and now we can all go to bed. Good night !
Speaking of joining our class for the summer... we were blessed (or cursed, depending on who you ask) by the presence of Lucifer, the scourge of TIT's PE class last year and a leg humper to boot. When he isn't laying in wait under his desk for an unsuspecting ankle to grab, Lucifer can usually be found in various time-out locations around the classroom, and sometimes in the hallway when LoB is particularly annoyed with him. Try as I may, I just can't see any evidence of Mary's donated blood influencing that kid, unless she's a closet Discordian or something.
I didn't have much time to dwell on Lucifer's attacks upon my various body parts, because I was busy sorting through my considerable collection of faded receipts, ancient band-aids, 7,000 non-functional pens, and other related detritus. Our building was one that was randomly selected for inspection this summer, and there was no way we'd pass muster with my tottering heaps of flammable debris patiently waiting to collapse on someone. A similar cleaning spree went on back in Ohio, where my aunts valiantly sorted and tagged billions of items that my grandmother had forgotten she owned but couldn't live without. Between this apartment and Grandma's house, I think we created a landfill the size of Montana.
While piling so much crap into the dumpster that it wouldn't close for 2 weeks, I had plenty of time to perseverate. I contemplated the gall of someone who complained to me about how hard life is, then settled in for 4 hours of television viewing that truely overworked people (in sweatshops all over L.A., for instance) have no time to enjoy. LoB made the mistake of starting a fight with me that I was more than happy to finish; I spent several hours fantasizing about exactly what I'd say to the dumbfucker if I ever won the lottery and wasn't worried about getting fired anymore- at least he kept my mind off of how people (like him) who watch a lot of TV complain the loudest about the injustice they see on the news, but do the least about it because they never turn off the tube off long enough to become part of the solution. Then the landlady called to say the garbage collectors had complained about the dumpster lid not closing, and I was able to enjoy bitching about that for two entire days. Good times...
On the day before the inspection, I finally took a break and dragged ass over to Rite Aide for ice cream, and ran into Bernie, who looked fabulous since you asked. Then I snuck on my computer to chat with people I've never met but somehow consider to be friends, and we all bitched about people who waste so much time playing video games, which we wasted about 3 hours discussing. We then progressed to the topic of white guys who blast rap music in their cars, but lock the doors if a black guy approaches to wash their windows. LoB confessed to doing that very thing and was unable to see why it irked me so- he received computerized hoots of derision for another 45 minutes after I shared his lameness with my "friends" online. I don't know when I've ever had so much fun avoiding housework, but we did still manage to pass the inspection despite my best efforts to sabotage myself. Even at underacheiving, I'm an underacheiver.
Gossip around town:
- Shannon finally graduated from the Venus Flytrap known as National University- hurray !
- G started crying when he was forced to watch Olympic Men's Volleyball.
- The downstairs neighbor who calls her dog "Mommy" is moving out, which was fun to watch because noone could lift her big-screen TV far enough off the ground to get it out of the doorway. Finally, help arrived, causing Hope and I to lose interest and hurry inside before anyone could ask us for help hauling boxes out to the truck.
- Mary Ann is a grandma again, this time of a baby boy who's name she refuses to use because it's stupid (just like the baby's dad is). Another reason not to have your own kids- watching them fuck up your grandchild is more stressful than just raising the damn thing yourself.
- Richard demonstrated knowledge of how to make a purchase independently by taking off on me at Target, hitting the snackbar and then hiding in the custodial closet to munch on his contraband while harried Target "team members" frantically paged him for 20 minutes and trawled the aisles in search of him. Richard's funeral will be held as soon as the detectives can pry the location of his body from me.
- Barf announced that she's been looking for a cheaper place to live. I laughed hysterically for what seemed like 15 minutes, then sent an e-mail out to all of my friends asking who was willing to rent out their broomcloset to me. Seriously, what is the deal with the rents in this Valley ?!
- Richard's prescription drug-addled grandma dropped her cigarette and asked me to find it, but since I was not about to fondle her sagging breasts, I completely missed it hiding out between them until it burned a hole through her shirt.
- I finally wrote this, you finally read it, and now we can all go to bed. Good night !
posted by Fredrika Krueger at 7:51 PM
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