Not That You Asked, But I'll Tell You Anyway...
TEACHER APPRECIATION: GIVE LIKE YOU MEAN IT
In honor of the end of the school year and the inevitable gifts that accompany it, here are a few things your child's teacher would never tell you he/she doesn't need any more of, but I will:
1. teddy bears
2. bath sets, especially those with repulsive scents like "Mountain Berries" or "Azaelia"
3. candles
4. tins of petrified cookies shaped like little pretzels
5. coffee mugs
6. any book with "Chicken Soup" in the title
7. lead-filled crystal
8. diseased plants you felt sorry for and hope they'll nurture
What your child's teacher really wants:
1. the creator of Welligent to die a slow, painful death
2. their paycheck on time, with the correct amount on it for once
3. chocolate
4. coffee for all the mugs they've received over the years
5. cigarettes by the carton- or better yet, by the case
6. gift cards to places they can actually afford to shop at
7. aides who don't constantly fight with each other and who don't spend the entire day on their cellphones
8. their credential, so they can finally get the hell out of your kid's classroom
MARY MAKES A FUNNY:
After giving my Highland Games pictures the hairy eyeball, Mary had this to say about the ancient drum major I'd photographed in front of the $9 hot dog stand:
"Now if you knew nothing about the Scots or Irish, and you came across a guy dressed like that, you would think it was pretty freaky." LMAO, Mary.
RETURN OF THE MAC:
Next time you're at Topanga Plaza, take a moment to appreciate the face-off between the Mac computer store on your left, and the M*A*C cosmetic store directly across from it on your right. This was very confusing to Richard, who kept asking me why there were two Mac stores and why he couldn't scream at the computers in either one of them.
HOW MY GAY FRIEND EARNED THE NICKNAME "SLAPPY":
MGF, best known for taking America's Next Top Model way too seriously, has always been instrumental in getting people to report the extreme child abuse they witness in the bungalo. This has understandably made him unpopular with Jace and his Neander-aides, who were buddies with the former principal and got away with retaliating after reports were made last year.
Thinking he was still immune, Vance made a fraudulant child abuse report against MGF, never bothering to check for any pesky witnesses in the area before he did so.
Yours Truely was sitting next to GF the whole time that he was supposedly beating Jaqueline and leaving her unattended to slowly bleed to death. Weird- I could have sworn I saw her pacing behind G the whole time, looking for someone to maul while G cringed in anticipation of a smack-down.
MGF and I were debating the merits of Twinkies versus HoHos when out came Paulette (the principal who is my pal) to whisk Jaqueline away, which is very difficult to do without that protective padding you usually see on dog trainers. Into the office we all went, where the nurse was hard-pressed to find a single mark or bruise on our victim, and received a few marks and bruises of her own from a nonplussed Jaquie. It's amazing how Jaquie was still so feisty after supposedly being unconscious for 15 minutes, and even more amazing was that she'd managed to pepper G several times with her venomous saliva while unconscious.
This silliness led to a endless round of reports, statements, and investigations. Proving yet again that even law-abiding citizens have good reason to distrust cops, the long arm of the law questioned me in the hallway with Vance 4 feet away, straining to hear me as I whispered my address to Officer Oblivious. The fun continued into this week, when some young stud just out of college strutted in and conducted the dumbest investigation ever, then labeled the case as "inconclusive" due to lack of brain cells on his part.
So, Vance got an obligatory hand-slap and can go his merry way, continuing to fondle the girls and address kids as "you stupid piece of shit" and "you fat fuck" while Paulette sweeps it all under the Disrict rug. Kind of made me nostalgic for the days when The Great Oz used to say the very same things to Ding Dong (who still has no wiener). Good times ! Isn't it comforting to know that job security still exists, and to know that your hard-earned tax dollars keep charmers like Vance and Oz gainfully employed ?
YOU MOCK ME, FOE ?
While G dozed in the emu area, I relieved my boredom by dragging a comb through my spikes, then realized that he'd awakened and was imitating me. When he was sure I'd caught him in the act, he burst out laughing and continued combing his circa-Starsky and Hutch hairdo with his slobbery hand, snickering at me the entire time. I get no respect, but at least he hasn't mangled my shins (yet) like he did Jay's.
WHERE I SHOULD HAVE SPENT MY TAX INCENTIVE:
I spotted a sign on Reseda Blvd. advertising a "Tranny Chop Shop", which sounds more about human drive shafts and less about mechanical ones, if you ask me- not that anyone did.
I'll write when I find work...
In honor of the end of the school year and the inevitable gifts that accompany it, here are a few things your child's teacher would never tell you he/she doesn't need any more of, but I will:
1. teddy bears
2. bath sets, especially those with repulsive scents like "Mountain Berries" or "Azaelia"
3. candles
4. tins of petrified cookies shaped like little pretzels
5. coffee mugs
6. any book with "Chicken Soup" in the title
7. lead-filled crystal
8. diseased plants you felt sorry for and hope they'll nurture
What your child's teacher really wants:
1. the creator of Welligent to die a slow, painful death
2. their paycheck on time, with the correct amount on it for once
3. chocolate
4. coffee for all the mugs they've received over the years
5. cigarettes by the carton- or better yet, by the case
6. gift cards to places they can actually afford to shop at
7. aides who don't constantly fight with each other and who don't spend the entire day on their cellphones
8. their credential, so they can finally get the hell out of your kid's classroom
MARY MAKES A FUNNY:
After giving my Highland Games pictures the hairy eyeball, Mary had this to say about the ancient drum major I'd photographed in front of the $9 hot dog stand:
"Now if you knew nothing about the Scots or Irish, and you came across a guy dressed like that, you would think it was pretty freaky." LMAO, Mary.
RETURN OF THE MAC:
Next time you're at Topanga Plaza, take a moment to appreciate the face-off between the Mac computer store on your left, and the M*A*C cosmetic store directly across from it on your right. This was very confusing to Richard, who kept asking me why there were two Mac stores and why he couldn't scream at the computers in either one of them.
HOW MY GAY FRIEND EARNED THE NICKNAME "SLAPPY":
MGF, best known for taking America's Next Top Model way too seriously, has always been instrumental in getting people to report the extreme child abuse they witness in the bungalo. This has understandably made him unpopular with Jace and his Neander-aides, who were buddies with the former principal and got away with retaliating after reports were made last year.
Thinking he was still immune, Vance made a fraudulant child abuse report against MGF, never bothering to check for any pesky witnesses in the area before he did so.
Yours Truely was sitting next to GF the whole time that he was supposedly beating Jaqueline and leaving her unattended to slowly bleed to death. Weird- I could have sworn I saw her pacing behind G the whole time, looking for someone to maul while G cringed in anticipation of a smack-down.
MGF and I were debating the merits of Twinkies versus HoHos when out came Paulette (the principal who is my pal) to whisk Jaqueline away, which is very difficult to do without that protective padding you usually see on dog trainers. Into the office we all went, where the nurse was hard-pressed to find a single mark or bruise on our victim, and received a few marks and bruises of her own from a nonplussed Jaquie. It's amazing how Jaquie was still so feisty after supposedly being unconscious for 15 minutes, and even more amazing was that she'd managed to pepper G several times with her venomous saliva while unconscious.
This silliness led to a endless round of reports, statements, and investigations. Proving yet again that even law-abiding citizens have good reason to distrust cops, the long arm of the law questioned me in the hallway with Vance 4 feet away, straining to hear me as I whispered my address to Officer Oblivious. The fun continued into this week, when some young stud just out of college strutted in and conducted the dumbest investigation ever, then labeled the case as "inconclusive" due to lack of brain cells on his part.
So, Vance got an obligatory hand-slap and can go his merry way, continuing to fondle the girls and address kids as "you stupid piece of shit" and "you fat fuck" while Paulette sweeps it all under the Disrict rug. Kind of made me nostalgic for the days when The Great Oz used to say the very same things to Ding Dong (who still has no wiener). Good times ! Isn't it comforting to know that job security still exists, and to know that your hard-earned tax dollars keep charmers like Vance and Oz gainfully employed ?
YOU MOCK ME, FOE ?
While G dozed in the emu area, I relieved my boredom by dragging a comb through my spikes, then realized that he'd awakened and was imitating me. When he was sure I'd caught him in the act, he burst out laughing and continued combing his circa-Starsky and Hutch hairdo with his slobbery hand, snickering at me the entire time. I get no respect, but at least he hasn't mangled my shins (yet) like he did Jay's.
WHERE I SHOULD HAVE SPENT MY TAX INCENTIVE:
I spotted a sign on Reseda Blvd. advertising a "Tranny Chop Shop", which sounds more about human drive shafts and less about mechanical ones, if you ask me- not that anyone did.
I'll write when I find work...
posted by Fredrika Krueger at 7:27 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home