How I Spent My Summer Vacation, Pt. 1
Essay Question: Describe how disturbed you are by the relationship between Richard's decrepit grandmother and her 30-something male care provider:
Multiple Choice:
1. 6 staff members and 2 paramedics had to prone-restrain ________ for attempting to strangle LoB.
a) me
b) Jai
c) Tree (yes, I said Tree), a hulking student from LoB's previous classroom
d) The Irritable Texan
Answer: c. Tree, who greatly resembles his namesake in both height and thickness.
2. What made me cry this week ?
a) the price of gas
b) my paystub
c) G stepping twice on my mangled toe
d) the imminent sale of my grandmother's house and all of the detritus in it
Answer: d. I wonder who's house all the ghosts will haunt now ?
3. On Friday, Raffa invited his mooching coworkers to have a birthday lunch with him at Sharkey's on Monday, then permanently transferred to another campus at the end of the day and didn't bother to tell any of them. Why ?
a) HR hustled him away in the trunk of Pam's car before anyone could hear of his good fortune and try to escape with him.
b) He was intentionally pranking the cheapest chiselers on campus.
c) He was kidnapped by Jasmina and is still being held hostage in the back of her mom's beauty shop.
d) He couldn't remember which moochers he'd invited, there being so many to choose from in Sunrise.
Answer: b. Raffa told me "I think they're still there, waiting for their free lunch."
4. Which shade of purple best described my pinky toe an hour after I accidently rammed it into my bedframe ?
a) eggplant
b) violet
c) dusky mauve
d) lavender
Answer: a. eggplant, but now it's faded to a lovely orchid color.
5. After squeezing into a sleeveless shirt 2 sizes too small, Richard announced __________
a) "This shirt reminds me of the gay-pride parade- if only I had some cut-offs with a hole in the butt to go with it."
b) "Perhaps I am consuming too many carbohydrates and should reduce my portions."
c) "My clothes are shrinking !"
d) "Sorry I stretched out your clothes again, Mom."
Answer: c. He really does believe that.
6. The best thing about a liver cleanse is __________ .
a) the endless diarrhea and inability to go more than 4 feet from a toilet all day
b) the foul concoctions you have to drink, which your body will recognise as bitter poisons and attempt to quickly eject
c) the fasting period, which always coincides with the day your coworker brings in the best donuts you've ever smelled
d) the horrifying thought of ever having to do another one
Answer: pick your favorite, because the best thing about a liver cleanse is when it's over.
7. My recently-deceased grandmother is best remembered for __________ .
a) stirring up fights among her brood for the entertainment value
b) her junk room, which required a backhoe to excavate
c) her off-color descriptions of various renters and family members
d) all of the above
Answer: d. I guess it's up to me now to constantly stir up shit.
8. G has a new romance blossoming with __________ .
a) his stuffed moose that he pulls all the hair off of
b) the plastic BINGO fish
c) a non-latex glove
d) his blue sippy cup
Answer: d. the affair with that glove is so last month...
9. Mary the Drama Queen had a meltdown this week because ___________ .
a) it's been at least 2 weeks since the last one
b) we asked her to move her table five inches to the right so we could fit two more desks into the classroom
c) having to work four hours on her son's birthday was just preposterous
d) autistic Melanie stole her favorite Disney pen and picked her nose with it
Answer: b. I wish I was kidding.
10. Who's moving to Georgia this month ?
a) Fellow HELP Group survivor Clairice and her fiance, Todd
b) G's former teacher and his wife, Andi (not to be confused with our Andy, who still screams his own name all day long, or with my Uncle Andy, who as far as I know doesn't scream his own name all day long, because I'm sure my aunt would have mentioned something like that)
c) Shoe, who will be able to stalk her daughter more frequently
d) Both a and b
Answer: d. Shoe took her house off the market for a while and has settled for stalking Christina via text message.
You passed (a gallstone during that liver cleanse) ! Hooray for you !
Multiple Choice:
1. 6 staff members and 2 paramedics had to prone-restrain ________ for attempting to strangle LoB.
a) me
b) Jai
c) Tree (yes, I said Tree), a hulking student from LoB's previous classroom
d) The Irritable Texan
Answer: c. Tree, who greatly resembles his namesake in both height and thickness.
2. What made me cry this week ?
a) the price of gas
b) my paystub
c) G stepping twice on my mangled toe
d) the imminent sale of my grandmother's house and all of the detritus in it
Answer: d. I wonder who's house all the ghosts will haunt now ?
3. On Friday, Raffa invited his mooching coworkers to have a birthday lunch with him at Sharkey's on Monday, then permanently transferred to another campus at the end of the day and didn't bother to tell any of them. Why ?
a) HR hustled him away in the trunk of Pam's car before anyone could hear of his good fortune and try to escape with him.
b) He was intentionally pranking the cheapest chiselers on campus.
c) He was kidnapped by Jasmina and is still being held hostage in the back of her mom's beauty shop.
d) He couldn't remember which moochers he'd invited, there being so many to choose from in Sunrise.
Answer: b. Raffa told me "I think they're still there, waiting for their free lunch."
4. Which shade of purple best described my pinky toe an hour after I accidently rammed it into my bedframe ?
a) eggplant
b) violet
c) dusky mauve
d) lavender
Answer: a. eggplant, but now it's faded to a lovely orchid color.
5. After squeezing into a sleeveless shirt 2 sizes too small, Richard announced __________
a) "This shirt reminds me of the gay-pride parade- if only I had some cut-offs with a hole in the butt to go with it."
b) "Perhaps I am consuming too many carbohydrates and should reduce my portions."
c) "My clothes are shrinking !"
d) "Sorry I stretched out your clothes again, Mom."
Answer: c. He really does believe that.
6. The best thing about a liver cleanse is __________ .
a) the endless diarrhea and inability to go more than 4 feet from a toilet all day
b) the foul concoctions you have to drink, which your body will recognise as bitter poisons and attempt to quickly eject
c) the fasting period, which always coincides with the day your coworker brings in the best donuts you've ever smelled
d) the horrifying thought of ever having to do another one
Answer: pick your favorite, because the best thing about a liver cleanse is when it's over.
7. My recently-deceased grandmother is best remembered for __________ .
a) stirring up fights among her brood for the entertainment value
b) her junk room, which required a backhoe to excavate
c) her off-color descriptions of various renters and family members
d) all of the above
Answer: d. I guess it's up to me now to constantly stir up shit.
8. G has a new romance blossoming with __________ .
a) his stuffed moose that he pulls all the hair off of
b) the plastic BINGO fish
c) a non-latex glove
d) his blue sippy cup
Answer: d. the affair with that glove is so last month...
9. Mary the Drama Queen had a meltdown this week because ___________ .
a) it's been at least 2 weeks since the last one
b) we asked her to move her table five inches to the right so we could fit two more desks into the classroom
c) having to work four hours on her son's birthday was just preposterous
d) autistic Melanie stole her favorite Disney pen and picked her nose with it
Answer: b. I wish I was kidding.
10. Who's moving to Georgia this month ?
a) Fellow HELP Group survivor Clairice and her fiance, Todd
b) G's former teacher and his wife, Andi (not to be confused with our Andy, who still screams his own name all day long, or with my Uncle Andy, who as far as I know doesn't scream his own name all day long, because I'm sure my aunt would have mentioned something like that)
c) Shoe, who will be able to stalk her daughter more frequently
d) Both a and b
Answer: d. Shoe took her house off the market for a while and has settled for stalking Christina via text message.
You passed (a gallstone during that liver cleanse) ! Hooray for you !
posted by Fredrika Krueger at 7:39 PM
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