The Week That Was (Not So Great)
Top 10 Crimes Against Humanity For The Week Of December 4-9, 2007:
10. Two drivers at two different intersections ignored all known traffic rules and attempted to cross in front of the dreaded Orange Line. People fell over each other and dropped their shopping bags every time the driver slammed on his brakes, so I learned lots of new ethnic slurs and interesting Russian phrases. Chisek Uzamem !
9. The 99 Cent Store manager told a woman she couldn't take her stroller into the store and would have to leave her sleeping child at the register while she shopped. Turns out the stroller was full of little yapping dogs, but the damage had already been done and yet another dissatisfied Christmas shopper huffed off to call Corporate on her i-Phone.
8. Even more fun than listening to Banjo yell "WHERE ARE YOU SPIDERMAN ?!" for 20 minutes in Target: waiting 20 minutes after Target closed for Tammy to stroll up to the registers and deliberate for 10 more minutes over buying a corkscrew, which she decided against- no, wait, she wants it- never mind, Dave might get one, but maybe he'll forget...
7. Speaking of Dave, here's some advice for the fellas: if you decide to buy your dyslexic wife a $300 cellphone with an e-mail/web bundle (why ?) for Christmas, don't suprise her with it like this: "I guess I'm getting you this for Christmas, since it's so damn expensive. I have to spend $40 dollars more a month for you to cruise the damn web !" Even better- he got mad when she told him not to add the bundle if it was such a pain in the ass that he had to gripe about her gift to her. Merry Christmas, baby !
6. Jai got his panties in a twist for 2 days because AJ, who is supposedly the teacher in our room (an assumption that is often heavily debated), finally stood up to him and allowed G-Man to eat a piece of cake without Jai's approval.
5. T-Mobile's broadcast command center in Seattle flooded and messed up everyone's service. Suddenly my friends received a slew of pornographic picture/text messages with my phone number on them that did not originate from my phone, and I received weird text messages from the Phillipines- none of which concerned me as much as suddenly being billied for a My Faves/1500 minute plan did (only $129.99 a month !). One of the funniest off-color texts that eventually came back to my phone: "They're unveiling a new penis stamp at the post office- I heard you were confused because you didn't know which side to lick !"
4. Smokin' Hot But Monumentally Stupid Cody arrived home at 9:45 on Sunday night, and immediately cranked up some insipid movie with lots of car chase sound-effects that made the floor vibrate for the next three hours- at least it drowned out the sound of Dan belching. Note to self: replenish supply of voodoo dolls.
3. I'm not baking this year because of the weird gas smell our landlady denies is there, so I'm returning to the shopping grind after a 6-year absence. You know, I had forgotten how much fun wrenching the last Wii game out of someone's hands can be, especially at 11 pm. Think you're getting that Wii ? Think again- you're getting Sea Monkeys, which also happen to be the secret ingredient in my holiday cookies.
2. Just kidding- the secret ingredient is kamut. I've been on a Sea Monkey whirley ever since Jodi stirred some into being and plopped their tank down on the counter in her store. After she'd pointed out a pregnant one that I'd mistaken for a dude with really weird balls, I knew I had to have some. Why, I don't know, since you need a magnifying glass to see them and even then they're less than thrilling, but the Sea Monkeys On Mars tank was too good to pass up and all the hamsters at Petco hide when they see me coming, so Viva La Brine Shrimp !
1. After listening to me perseverate on how I need a Blackberry Curve so I can accidently delete my e-mails everytime the Orange Line crashes into something, Tammy The S&M Stylist and I had this conversation:
TTS&MS: "Why are you giving everyone a Christmas present, then ? Use the money to buy yourself the phone."
Me: "You did not just say that- you did not just tell me not to buy my friends Christmas presents so I can buy myself a new toy instead."
TTS&MS: "If they're you're friends, they'd understand- they'd want you to be happy."
Me: "I can't believe you're serious."
TTS&MS: "I bought my friends nice little bottles from the 99 Cent Store. I'm going to fill them with oil and tie ribbons on them. You don't have to spend a lot."
ME: "If I get the Curve, I won't be spending anything, because I'll be broke. It costs more than I was going to spend on everybody combined, and I have 3 weeks without pay coming up."
TTS&MS: "Then don't buy them anything."
Wow, someone needs to watch The Grinch again ! At least she reminded me that the best thing about holidays is the giving, not the getting- unless someone out there feels like getting me a Curve- it's got a 2 mega-pixel camera, with which I could take a picture of myself and send it to you via my Curve's g-mail. Wouldn't that be nice ? Sure it would, because Christmas is about giving (me a Curve), not about receiving (you won't be receiving a picture of me with pink hair unless you buy me that Curve).
Now get on it !
Happy Holidays !
10. Two drivers at two different intersections ignored all known traffic rules and attempted to cross in front of the dreaded Orange Line. People fell over each other and dropped their shopping bags every time the driver slammed on his brakes, so I learned lots of new ethnic slurs and interesting Russian phrases. Chisek Uzamem !
9. The 99 Cent Store manager told a woman she couldn't take her stroller into the store and would have to leave her sleeping child at the register while she shopped. Turns out the stroller was full of little yapping dogs, but the damage had already been done and yet another dissatisfied Christmas shopper huffed off to call Corporate on her i-Phone.
8. Even more fun than listening to Banjo yell "WHERE ARE YOU SPIDERMAN ?!" for 20 minutes in Target: waiting 20 minutes after Target closed for Tammy to stroll up to the registers and deliberate for 10 more minutes over buying a corkscrew, which she decided against- no, wait, she wants it- never mind, Dave might get one, but maybe he'll forget...
7. Speaking of Dave, here's some advice for the fellas: if you decide to buy your dyslexic wife a $300 cellphone with an e-mail/web bundle (why ?) for Christmas, don't suprise her with it like this: "I guess I'm getting you this for Christmas, since it's so damn expensive. I have to spend $40 dollars more a month for you to cruise the damn web !" Even better- he got mad when she told him not to add the bundle if it was such a pain in the ass that he had to gripe about her gift to her. Merry Christmas, baby !
6. Jai got his panties in a twist for 2 days because AJ, who is supposedly the teacher in our room (an assumption that is often heavily debated), finally stood up to him and allowed G-Man to eat a piece of cake without Jai's approval.
5. T-Mobile's broadcast command center in Seattle flooded and messed up everyone's service. Suddenly my friends received a slew of pornographic picture/text messages with my phone number on them that did not originate from my phone, and I received weird text messages from the Phillipines- none of which concerned me as much as suddenly being billied for a My Faves/1500 minute plan did (only $129.99 a month !). One of the funniest off-color texts that eventually came back to my phone: "They're unveiling a new penis stamp at the post office- I heard you were confused because you didn't know which side to lick !"
4. Smokin' Hot But Monumentally Stupid Cody arrived home at 9:45 on Sunday night, and immediately cranked up some insipid movie with lots of car chase sound-effects that made the floor vibrate for the next three hours- at least it drowned out the sound of Dan belching. Note to self: replenish supply of voodoo dolls.
3. I'm not baking this year because of the weird gas smell our landlady denies is there, so I'm returning to the shopping grind after a 6-year absence. You know, I had forgotten how much fun wrenching the last Wii game out of someone's hands can be, especially at 11 pm. Think you're getting that Wii ? Think again- you're getting Sea Monkeys, which also happen to be the secret ingredient in my holiday cookies.
2. Just kidding- the secret ingredient is kamut. I've been on a Sea Monkey whirley ever since Jodi stirred some into being and plopped their tank down on the counter in her store. After she'd pointed out a pregnant one that I'd mistaken for a dude with really weird balls, I knew I had to have some. Why, I don't know, since you need a magnifying glass to see them and even then they're less than thrilling, but the Sea Monkeys On Mars tank was too good to pass up and all the hamsters at Petco hide when they see me coming, so Viva La Brine Shrimp !
1. After listening to me perseverate on how I need a Blackberry Curve so I can accidently delete my e-mails everytime the Orange Line crashes into something, Tammy The S&M Stylist and I had this conversation:
TTS&MS: "Why are you giving everyone a Christmas present, then ? Use the money to buy yourself the phone."
Me: "You did not just say that- you did not just tell me not to buy my friends Christmas presents so I can buy myself a new toy instead."
TTS&MS: "If they're you're friends, they'd understand- they'd want you to be happy."
Me: "I can't believe you're serious."
TTS&MS: "I bought my friends nice little bottles from the 99 Cent Store. I'm going to fill them with oil and tie ribbons on them. You don't have to spend a lot."
ME: "If I get the Curve, I won't be spending anything, because I'll be broke. It costs more than I was going to spend on everybody combined, and I have 3 weeks without pay coming up."
TTS&MS: "Then don't buy them anything."
Wow, someone needs to watch The Grinch again ! At least she reminded me that the best thing about holidays is the giving, not the getting- unless someone out there feels like getting me a Curve- it's got a 2 mega-pixel camera, with which I could take a picture of myself and send it to you via my Curve's g-mail. Wouldn't that be nice ? Sure it would, because Christmas is about giving (me a Curve), not about receiving (you won't be receiving a picture of me with pink hair unless you buy me that Curve).
Now get on it !
Happy Holidays !
posted by Fredrika Krueger at 8:14 PM
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