The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly Santa Hats
LOVE IS A MANY A TENTACLED THING
There are only two places where corny seasonal hats are a fashion plus- schools and sporting events (sprinting after autistic children running hell-bent for the street qualifies you for both categories). I thought I'd rule the Christmas roost in my unflattering Cat In The Santa Hat, but I had some stiff competition from several co-workers who'd actually paid good money for Santa hats embellished with supposedly pithy slogans, brims, and cow spots. I was so inspired by the ugliness of it all that I dug out my photo of Timmy The Wookie Funner wearing my tentacled eyeball-creature hat, and am planning to campaign for an Outer Space spirit week so I have a legitimate reason to wear it again.
WE SUPPORT THE ARTS
Due to a scheduling snafu, I was forced to accompany G to the final performance of A Christmas Carol, the school play that consisted of Sparkle Moonbeam whispering lines into the microphone and earnest students repeating after her while trying not to pee themselves from stagefright. Unfortunately, Down Syndrome children often have enormous tongues, so nothing they said was the least bit intelligible, but several actors gamely tried to make up for it by shouting their slurred dialogue at top volume.
Meanwhile, the audience members were doing their best to upstage the drama club, and AJ thoughtfully dispensed Extra-Strength Tylenol to the other teachers while thier students mercilessly heckled the actors. Highlights of the show included Bri screaming the F-word at someone's grandma and Nate tossing over the prop table, which caused one aide to burst out laughing and then burst into tears. I remained unperturbed throughout it all because I only had to deal with G-Man accidently rocking off his chair during a particularly cheesey musical number. After 25 minutes that felt like an eternity in Hell, the actors finally took their bows and then ran outside to join their shell-shocked family members for cupcakes.
THE HOLIDAYS ARE ALL ABOUT GIVING (JAY AN INJURY)
Big G gave me the hairy eyeball for an hour on Friday morning, and with good reason- I'd stashed his gift bag out of reach so he couldn't dismember the teddy bear inside and then handed out ornaments to the other kids, but G hadn't seen his present yet and thought I'd purposely snubbed him. He understandably developed a serious attitude that was only temporarily appeased by AJ offering him chocolate. Once I caught on and dangled his bag around for a few minutes, G immediately pepped up and resumed his usual smirking, most likely still gloating over the deep gash he'd added to Jai's leg on Tuesday. It's one of those creepy quirks of fate that Jai's last name happens to be Shin, which is exactly where G kicked him.
THE LOOT AND HOW TO SWING IT
Apparently, noone's reading my e-mails, because there wasn't a single Curve to be found in my gift pile today. Despite the lack of Blackberrys in my life, I somehow managed to make it through the day without falling into a crippling depression, courtesy of a unactivated giftcard from AJ and a miniscule box of stale chocolates from Jai. Marv gave me his usual blank look, which is all I expected from him anyway.
The best gift I've ever received was from Triple A, who gave me some fleeting eye contact after he licked the shiny ornament I'd handed him, then reached out and patted me a few times with a little smile on his face. I get all misty-eyed just typing about it, but that could also be from the air "freshener" my roommate's daughter liberally sprayed into the hallway a minute ago.
Mistress Sparkle Moonbeam. showed much-appreciated religious tolerance but also utter cluelessness with her gift, a book of spells for attracting a man. Dating ranks right up there with dental work as far as I'm concerned, but she'd meant well, so I made a point to wax rhapsodic over the frogs on the book's cover just to have something nice to say about it. MSM seemed to be fooled but AJ was not, and continued to snicker until I threatened to hex his car. I anticipate that this book will be a gift that keeps on giving, as I plan to pass it on as a gag gift to my equally jaded friends and then donate it to the library.
TIS THE SEASON TO HAVE CATFIGHTS, FALALALA, LALALASLAP !
This week's death matches:
Me vs. A Certain Friend- I fell off the mood wagon and returned to brooding over slights from a zillion years ago that aren't even relevant now, testing A Certain Friend's considerable patience and making an ass of myself (as usual).
Tammy The S&M Stylist vs. Me- I haven't received any of Tammy's indecipherable text messages since the night I expressed disinterest in her advice (to buy myself a cellphone with the gift money earmarked for friends). We'll see if she can hold that infamous Scorpio grudge when she tries to find another rat-sitter...
Jai vs. Big G- G took home the title after crippling Jay with a savage blow to the shinbone.
Me vs. Dell- Their name rhymes with Hell for a reason.
Me vs. People Who Never Call Back, Ever- you know who you are, and it only takes 3 minutes tops to leave me a message.
Shannon vs. Her Vice Principal- a wonderfully non-supportive, hate-hate relationship.
Chloe vs. The Bad Smell- The air freshener is fighting a losing battle against whatever she ate that didn't agree with her.
You vs. My Long-ass E-mail- stop looking for excuses to avoid addressing all those Christmas cards and log out already !
There are only two places where corny seasonal hats are a fashion plus- schools and sporting events (sprinting after autistic children running hell-bent for the street qualifies you for both categories). I thought I'd rule the Christmas roost in my unflattering Cat In The Santa Hat, but I had some stiff competition from several co-workers who'd actually paid good money for Santa hats embellished with supposedly pithy slogans, brims, and cow spots. I was so inspired by the ugliness of it all that I dug out my photo of Timmy The Wookie Funner wearing my tentacled eyeball-creature hat, and am planning to campaign for an Outer Space spirit week so I have a legitimate reason to wear it again.
WE SUPPORT THE ARTS
Due to a scheduling snafu, I was forced to accompany G to the final performance of A Christmas Carol, the school play that consisted of Sparkle Moonbeam whispering lines into the microphone and earnest students repeating after her while trying not to pee themselves from stagefright. Unfortunately, Down Syndrome children often have enormous tongues, so nothing they said was the least bit intelligible, but several actors gamely tried to make up for it by shouting their slurred dialogue at top volume.
Meanwhile, the audience members were doing their best to upstage the drama club, and AJ thoughtfully dispensed Extra-Strength Tylenol to the other teachers while thier students mercilessly heckled the actors. Highlights of the show included Bri screaming the F-word at someone's grandma and Nate tossing over the prop table, which caused one aide to burst out laughing and then burst into tears. I remained unperturbed throughout it all because I only had to deal with G-Man accidently rocking off his chair during a particularly cheesey musical number. After 25 minutes that felt like an eternity in Hell, the actors finally took their bows and then ran outside to join their shell-shocked family members for cupcakes.
THE HOLIDAYS ARE ALL ABOUT GIVING (JAY AN INJURY)
Big G gave me the hairy eyeball for an hour on Friday morning, and with good reason- I'd stashed his gift bag out of reach so he couldn't dismember the teddy bear inside and then handed out ornaments to the other kids, but G hadn't seen his present yet and thought I'd purposely snubbed him. He understandably developed a serious attitude that was only temporarily appeased by AJ offering him chocolate. Once I caught on and dangled his bag around for a few minutes, G immediately pepped up and resumed his usual smirking, most likely still gloating over the deep gash he'd added to Jai's leg on Tuesday. It's one of those creepy quirks of fate that Jai's last name happens to be Shin, which is exactly where G kicked him.
THE LOOT AND HOW TO SWING IT
Apparently, noone's reading my e-mails, because there wasn't a single Curve to be found in my gift pile today. Despite the lack of Blackberrys in my life, I somehow managed to make it through the day without falling into a crippling depression, courtesy of a unactivated giftcard from AJ and a miniscule box of stale chocolates from Jai. Marv gave me his usual blank look, which is all I expected from him anyway.
The best gift I've ever received was from Triple A, who gave me some fleeting eye contact after he licked the shiny ornament I'd handed him, then reached out and patted me a few times with a little smile on his face. I get all misty-eyed just typing about it, but that could also be from the air "freshener" my roommate's daughter liberally sprayed into the hallway a minute ago.
Mistress Sparkle Moonbeam. showed much-appreciated religious tolerance but also utter cluelessness with her gift, a book of spells for attracting a man. Dating ranks right up there with dental work as far as I'm concerned, but she'd meant well, so I made a point to wax rhapsodic over the frogs on the book's cover just to have something nice to say about it. MSM seemed to be fooled but AJ was not, and continued to snicker until I threatened to hex his car. I anticipate that this book will be a gift that keeps on giving, as I plan to pass it on as a gag gift to my equally jaded friends and then donate it to the library.
TIS THE SEASON TO HAVE CATFIGHTS, FALALALA, LALALASLAP !
This week's death matches:
Me vs. A Certain Friend- I fell off the mood wagon and returned to brooding over slights from a zillion years ago that aren't even relevant now, testing A Certain Friend's considerable patience and making an ass of myself (as usual).
Tammy The S&M Stylist vs. Me- I haven't received any of Tammy's indecipherable text messages since the night I expressed disinterest in her advice (to buy myself a cellphone with the gift money earmarked for friends). We'll see if she can hold that infamous Scorpio grudge when she tries to find another rat-sitter...
Jai vs. Big G- G took home the title after crippling Jay with a savage blow to the shinbone.
Me vs. Dell- Their name rhymes with Hell for a reason.
Me vs. People Who Never Call Back, Ever- you know who you are, and it only takes 3 minutes tops to leave me a message.
Shannon vs. Her Vice Principal- a wonderfully non-supportive, hate-hate relationship.
Chloe vs. The Bad Smell- The air freshener is fighting a losing battle against whatever she ate that didn't agree with her.
You vs. My Long-ass E-mail- stop looking for excuses to avoid addressing all those Christmas cards and log out already !
posted by Fredrika Krueger at 8:25 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home