Why I Love My Job
My life is definately stranger than fiction...
BRIANNA TOAD'S WILD RIDE
The Irritable Texan has a lot of rules for 3-wheelin' on those adult tricycles you always see the elderly and "special" people tooling around town on. Not only must every rider wear a helmet, but their stuffed-animal passengers must wear helmets as well (but not seatbelts, as the baskets do not come equipped with bungee cords). No cussin', spittin', or shootin' is allowed in the bike area, nor are you allowed to change direction in hopes of easing the monotany caused by going around the same circle for 45 minutes. The all-time worst offense you can commit is leaving the bike lane for newer horizons- this causes TIT's prostate to suddenly inflate to gi-normous proportions and the resulting hissy fit is not pretty to behold.
Bri could care less about TIT's rules, and even less about his prostate. Where TIT sees a lane made out of tiny orange cones, Bri sees target practice. She manages to flatten several cones each week, and often attempts to flatten a few pedestrians as well before she's apprehended and forcibly ejected from the bike yard. Today she almost clipped Lawdy, who was burdened with 4 clinging student barnacles, but after he pushed Janey into the bike's path and dragged the lightest 3 along on his sprint towards safety, he was able to evade Death's clutches for yet another week. If you think you could never work with "those kind of kids", keep in mind all the fun you're missing...
GIO'S SKINNY BONE-R
Gio is another of our PE teachers, who spends most of his break time seperating his scraggly goatee into 5 scragglier braids and hiding his ultra-conservative demeanor under hipster clothing. Speaking of hiding, Gio accidently swallowed an undetected bone sliver in his BBQ rib last weekend, ripping an eight-inch gash down the inside of his throat. He ended up almost having his entire esophogus removed because the gash bled for 6 days straight. I offered to visit the hospital and tutor him in sign language, but was foiled by TIT, who told me to quit being a smart-ass.
LIFE IS JUST A SCREAM
I was waddling back to work after inhaling most of the Wendy's Value Menu when I noticed a truck was drifting into the intersection. I furrowed my uni-brow and aimed my best scowl towards the driver, assuming it would be another dumbass on a cellphone. Nope- it was some dude screaming "STOP SAYING THAT !!! STOP IT !! AAAAHHH !!!" while covering his ears with both hands. There was no one else in the cab with him. He was so terrified I can't even think of anything funny to say about the poor guy, although I have plenty to say about his having a driver's license. I returned to campus unscathed and was amused to hear one of the students in the lunch area screaming the exact same thing as I snuck past her.
YOU'D THINK WORKING WITH THE RETARDED ALL DAY WOULD HAVE PREPARED ME FOR DELL CUSTOMER SERVICE
Dell's customer service morons continually deleted my order details and call history (but not the financing I owe, interestingly enough), tried to dick me out of returning my pinging notebook, and generally annoyed the crap out of me for 2 weeks. A couple of American assholes obviously hated talking to me as much as I hated being "helped" by them, making me long for the unintelligible folks who usually handle calls for companies nowadays.
The laptop was a beauty, but it was also an atrocious Diarrhea Brown color I never ordered and missing some of the programs I did order, and it made an ominous click/ping sound on a regular basis that reminded me of an overheating car. Constant ineptitude on behalf of Customer "Care" finally pushed me over the edge and I sent it back without accepting a replacement, just so I never have to talk to anyone at Dell ever again (except tech support- they were smart ladies). Afraid I'd have to remain top-less too long, I bought yet another notebook and promptly locked myself onto a file-sharing network because I can't figure out the silliness that is Vista. Watch this space for more hot girl-on-laptop action...
GRATUITOUS ADVERTISEMENT FOR MY CELLPHONE COMPANY:
T-Mobile, on the other hand, kicks ass ! I have that My 5s feature and it went on the fritz, costing me 36 of my Whenever minutes. I was immediately credited for 50 minutes, then given another 100 in case the issue persisted. No arguing, no stupid policies, no begging for permission to get my minutes refunded. If only T-Mobile sold laptops...
MANTIS SIGHTING:
This is kind of morbid, but makes a creepy kind of sense- while my grandmother's graveside ceremony was occurring in Ohio, I was crossing the lunch area and happened to glance down and spot a dead praying mantis, the exact size of the one I'd seen lurking on my screen door whenever Grandma was being discussed. I was less than thrilled to see it laying there and picked it up by a feeler-thingy for a discreet dump in the trash, so noone would squish it and make me cry.
I swear I could feel her hanging around for a while in the afternoon, and a bunch of kids kept coming up to me and holding my hand, which is very weird- usually they're flinging emu poo at each other during that class and tend to ignore me until I threaten to kill them if they don't stop (known in the behaviorist biz as "introducing natural consequences"). I can't say if it was mere wishful thinking or a genuine visit, but either way I thought of her as in a better place, although I'm not sure the emu pen really qualifies as such...
BRIANNA TOAD'S WILD RIDE
The Irritable Texan has a lot of rules for 3-wheelin' on those adult tricycles you always see the elderly and "special" people tooling around town on. Not only must every rider wear a helmet, but their stuffed-animal passengers must wear helmets as well (but not seatbelts, as the baskets do not come equipped with bungee cords). No cussin', spittin', or shootin' is allowed in the bike area, nor are you allowed to change direction in hopes of easing the monotany caused by going around the same circle for 45 minutes. The all-time worst offense you can commit is leaving the bike lane for newer horizons- this causes TIT's prostate to suddenly inflate to gi-normous proportions and the resulting hissy fit is not pretty to behold.
Bri could care less about TIT's rules, and even less about his prostate. Where TIT sees a lane made out of tiny orange cones, Bri sees target practice. She manages to flatten several cones each week, and often attempts to flatten a few pedestrians as well before she's apprehended and forcibly ejected from the bike yard. Today she almost clipped Lawdy, who was burdened with 4 clinging student barnacles, but after he pushed Janey into the bike's path and dragged the lightest 3 along on his sprint towards safety, he was able to evade Death's clutches for yet another week. If you think you could never work with "those kind of kids", keep in mind all the fun you're missing...
GIO'S SKINNY BONE-R
Gio is another of our PE teachers, who spends most of his break time seperating his scraggly goatee into 5 scragglier braids and hiding his ultra-conservative demeanor under hipster clothing. Speaking of hiding, Gio accidently swallowed an undetected bone sliver in his BBQ rib last weekend, ripping an eight-inch gash down the inside of his throat. He ended up almost having his entire esophogus removed because the gash bled for 6 days straight. I offered to visit the hospital and tutor him in sign language, but was foiled by TIT, who told me to quit being a smart-ass.
LIFE IS JUST A SCREAM
I was waddling back to work after inhaling most of the Wendy's Value Menu when I noticed a truck was drifting into the intersection. I furrowed my uni-brow and aimed my best scowl towards the driver, assuming it would be another dumbass on a cellphone. Nope- it was some dude screaming "STOP SAYING THAT !!! STOP IT !! AAAAHHH !!!" while covering his ears with both hands. There was no one else in the cab with him. He was so terrified I can't even think of anything funny to say about the poor guy, although I have plenty to say about his having a driver's license. I returned to campus unscathed and was amused to hear one of the students in the lunch area screaming the exact same thing as I snuck past her.
YOU'D THINK WORKING WITH THE RETARDED ALL DAY WOULD HAVE PREPARED ME FOR DELL CUSTOMER SERVICE
Dell's customer service morons continually deleted my order details and call history (but not the financing I owe, interestingly enough), tried to dick me out of returning my pinging notebook, and generally annoyed the crap out of me for 2 weeks. A couple of American assholes obviously hated talking to me as much as I hated being "helped" by them, making me long for the unintelligible folks who usually handle calls for companies nowadays.
The laptop was a beauty, but it was also an atrocious Diarrhea Brown color I never ordered and missing some of the programs I did order, and it made an ominous click/ping sound on a regular basis that reminded me of an overheating car. Constant ineptitude on behalf of Customer "Care" finally pushed me over the edge and I sent it back without accepting a replacement, just so I never have to talk to anyone at Dell ever again (except tech support- they were smart ladies). Afraid I'd have to remain top-less too long, I bought yet another notebook and promptly locked myself onto a file-sharing network because I can't figure out the silliness that is Vista. Watch this space for more hot girl-on-laptop action...
GRATUITOUS ADVERTISEMENT FOR MY CELLPHONE COMPANY:
T-Mobile, on the other hand, kicks ass ! I have that My 5s feature and it went on the fritz, costing me 36 of my Whenever minutes. I was immediately credited for 50 minutes, then given another 100 in case the issue persisted. No arguing, no stupid policies, no begging for permission to get my minutes refunded. If only T-Mobile sold laptops...
MANTIS SIGHTING:
This is kind of morbid, but makes a creepy kind of sense- while my grandmother's graveside ceremony was occurring in Ohio, I was crossing the lunch area and happened to glance down and spot a dead praying mantis, the exact size of the one I'd seen lurking on my screen door whenever Grandma was being discussed. I was less than thrilled to see it laying there and picked it up by a feeler-thingy for a discreet dump in the trash, so noone would squish it and make me cry.
I swear I could feel her hanging around for a while in the afternoon, and a bunch of kids kept coming up to me and holding my hand, which is very weird- usually they're flinging emu poo at each other during that class and tend to ignore me until I threaten to kill them if they don't stop (known in the behaviorist biz as "introducing natural consequences"). I can't say if it was mere wishful thinking or a genuine visit, but either way I thought of her as in a better place, although I'm not sure the emu pen really qualifies as such...
posted by Fredrika Krueger at 10:00 PM
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