RE: Good Times...
A DAY IN THE LIFE
In less than 24 hours of my lame-ass life, the following occured:
- Hella, the head honcho of our agency, reduced everyone's pay by $3.00 an hour and put us on the payroll as taxable employees, shorting my next check by $800 bucks just hours before she boarded a plane to Honalulu. After the ensuing riot reduced one of the office managers to tears, Kara The Alcoholic Payroll Clerk stepped in and promised not to cut our pay until November, but we'd better agree to pay the taxes now and also agree to lynch Hella for her.
- G's teacher, AJ, finally admitted defeat and announced he's retiring in December. G-Man celebrated by throwing his bandana, a chair, and most of the puzzle cabinet's contents.
- My downstairs neighbor decided to snake his drain, blowing the pipe's contents all over our kitchen but leaving his own spotless. Bastard.
- I saw an African dude in full tribal regalia walking barefoot down Magnolia Blvd., reeking of incense and sporting a gi-normous ivory ring in his nasal septum.
- Chloe's toy robot/piggy bank suddenly turned itself on and started talking, scaring the piss out of me while I was scrolling through craigslist looking for a third job.
OOPS, I DYED IT AGAIN
If you've ever hated a dyejob, but were afraid to bleach it off, let me tell you about Color Oops ! It's the bomb, dudes, and took blue-black dye off my hair in four minutes flat. Too bad it didn't take off all the blue-black goop that came spewing out of the kitchen sink and coated our dishes, cabinets, and microwave just minutes after I'd finished rinsing my hair.
Turns out Color Oops wasn't actually bomb enough to blow my dye out of the drain- that honor belonged to my downstairs neighbor Dan The Man (not the hot one), who was attempting to snake the pipe and rid us all of that mysterious stench that's been hanging around the building. Dan was suitably penitent about adding extra filth to the layers we've already accumulated, but of course made no offer to help clean it up. I've forgiven him, because he now has the odious task of trying to get our landlady to spring for a real plumber, and that's punishment enough for anybody.
WHAT DOES FOLLOWING THE CROWD GET YOU ?
Almost creamed by the Orange Line, that's what. I was busy ruminating over my mangled paycheck, and wasn't giving my surroundings much attention. When the rest of the group stepped off the curb and shuffled forth, I followed without any knowledge that I was about to have a near-death experience. The blaring of a horn quickly snapped me back into non-conformist reality. I shifted into my rarely-used fat burning mode and bolted across the intersection at top-speed, leaving the other antelopes to the MTA lion. Fortunately, nobody was thinned from the herd, but one woman did have her backpack clipped by the bus as it zoomed past in a cacophany of squealing brakes and profanity.
G-FORCE
G-Man may not give a fig about mistreating my vision enhancers, but he is concerned about the mistreatment of animals, and it seems that he's not real fond of littering, either. Having spotted some trash inside the emu enclosure, Big G dragged what remains of his chair (the one he rips parts off of and tosses at Jai) next to the fence and tried to climb over so he could retrieve a Hi-C juice box from the emu's beak. Not only was the emu not having with it, neither were Jai and I, so G had to settle for trying to fit his hand through the fence while the emu dragged the juice box just out of his reach. I realize I've typed "the emu" way too many times, but Scusme never named it because it won't come when you call it anyway.
Of even more concern to G than jurassic birds are spiders. During a stroll around the campus with Josie, we spotted a black widow look-alike with white markings on its back slinging web in the gym's doorway. Josie decided to error on the side of caution and kill it, because several students regularly fling themselves on the ground there during PE. A tiny yellow male spider that was hanging around attempted to make a run for it, becoming the first life form all week who actually got any exercise in the gym. The second Josie squished that little guy, the Big Guy went apeshit, jumping up and down, kicking a bench, throwing his bandana, and finally crumpling to the ground in a devastated heap. Jose was so touched by this display that he looked sheepish for the rest of the period while G and I gave him dirty looks.
FREAKY FRIDAY
Fridays are all about soccer at Reichman, and today the team played against Swiller High School, who's kids are capable of vocational training, so you can anticipate how that game went. There were 12 girls with Down Syndrome and 2 with multiple personalities cheering our losing Lions on, which at last count added up to 28 girls cheering in 14 bodies, so they saved a bundle on costumes. Amazingly, one student who hadn't found any enthusiasm for exercise all year was suddenly inspired to run across the field while the game was still going. Her aide was not similarly affected and checked his cellphone messages until she finally ran smack into a backboard, then he casually strolled over to retrieve her. This being a special school, no one besides me seemed to even notice, and fun was had by all.
In less than 24 hours of my lame-ass life, the following occured:
- Hella, the head honcho of our agency, reduced everyone's pay by $3.00 an hour and put us on the payroll as taxable employees, shorting my next check by $800 bucks just hours before she boarded a plane to Honalulu. After the ensuing riot reduced one of the office managers to tears, Kara The Alcoholic Payroll Clerk stepped in and promised not to cut our pay until November, but we'd better agree to pay the taxes now and also agree to lynch Hella for her.
- G's teacher, AJ, finally admitted defeat and announced he's retiring in December. G-Man celebrated by throwing his bandana, a chair, and most of the puzzle cabinet's contents.
- My downstairs neighbor decided to snake his drain, blowing the pipe's contents all over our kitchen but leaving his own spotless. Bastard.
- I saw an African dude in full tribal regalia walking barefoot down Magnolia Blvd., reeking of incense and sporting a gi-normous ivory ring in his nasal septum.
- Chloe's toy robot/piggy bank suddenly turned itself on and started talking, scaring the piss out of me while I was scrolling through craigslist looking for a third job.
OOPS, I DYED IT AGAIN
If you've ever hated a dyejob, but were afraid to bleach it off, let me tell you about Color Oops ! It's the bomb, dudes, and took blue-black dye off my hair in four minutes flat. Too bad it didn't take off all the blue-black goop that came spewing out of the kitchen sink and coated our dishes, cabinets, and microwave just minutes after I'd finished rinsing my hair.
Turns out Color Oops wasn't actually bomb enough to blow my dye out of the drain- that honor belonged to my downstairs neighbor Dan The Man (not the hot one), who was attempting to snake the pipe and rid us all of that mysterious stench that's been hanging around the building. Dan was suitably penitent about adding extra filth to the layers we've already accumulated, but of course made no offer to help clean it up. I've forgiven him, because he now has the odious task of trying to get our landlady to spring for a real plumber, and that's punishment enough for anybody.
WHAT DOES FOLLOWING THE CROWD GET YOU ?
Almost creamed by the Orange Line, that's what. I was busy ruminating over my mangled paycheck, and wasn't giving my surroundings much attention. When the rest of the group stepped off the curb and shuffled forth, I followed without any knowledge that I was about to have a near-death experience. The blaring of a horn quickly snapped me back into non-conformist reality. I shifted into my rarely-used fat burning mode and bolted across the intersection at top-speed, leaving the other antelopes to the MTA lion. Fortunately, nobody was thinned from the herd, but one woman did have her backpack clipped by the bus as it zoomed past in a cacophany of squealing brakes and profanity.
G-FORCE
G-Man may not give a fig about mistreating my vision enhancers, but he is concerned about the mistreatment of animals, and it seems that he's not real fond of littering, either. Having spotted some trash inside the emu enclosure, Big G dragged what remains of his chair (the one he rips parts off of and tosses at Jai) next to the fence and tried to climb over so he could retrieve a Hi-C juice box from the emu's beak. Not only was the emu not having with it, neither were Jai and I, so G had to settle for trying to fit his hand through the fence while the emu dragged the juice box just out of his reach. I realize I've typed "the emu" way too many times, but Scusme never named it because it won't come when you call it anyway.
Of even more concern to G than jurassic birds are spiders. During a stroll around the campus with Josie, we spotted a black widow look-alike with white markings on its back slinging web in the gym's doorway. Josie decided to error on the side of caution and kill it, because several students regularly fling themselves on the ground there during PE. A tiny yellow male spider that was hanging around attempted to make a run for it, becoming the first life form all week who actually got any exercise in the gym. The second Josie squished that little guy, the Big Guy went apeshit, jumping up and down, kicking a bench, throwing his bandana, and finally crumpling to the ground in a devastated heap. Jose was so touched by this display that he looked sheepish for the rest of the period while G and I gave him dirty looks.
FREAKY FRIDAY
Fridays are all about soccer at Reichman, and today the team played against Swiller High School, who's kids are capable of vocational training, so you can anticipate how that game went. There were 12 girls with Down Syndrome and 2 with multiple personalities cheering our losing Lions on, which at last count added up to 28 girls cheering in 14 bodies, so they saved a bundle on costumes. Amazingly, one student who hadn't found any enthusiasm for exercise all year was suddenly inspired to run across the field while the game was still going. Her aide was not similarly affected and checked his cellphone messages until she finally ran smack into a backboard, then he casually strolled over to retrieve her. This being a special school, no one besides me seemed to even notice, and fun was had by all.
posted by Fredrika Krueger at 6:55 PM
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