It Was The Best Of Times, It Was the Worst of Times
Like this town isn't strange enough already...
HE ASKED FOR A SECURITY PAT-DOWN, BUT YOU HAVE TO BUY A TICKET FOR THAT KIND OF THING
Richard and I went on an outing to LAX last weekend, supposedly to watch the planes land and take off. However, Richard had his own agenda, and spent most of the outing flirting with policemen and asking to be cuffed. I found the bus ride there and back more interesting than the airport. Gazing through the bug-encrusted window, I was amused by the line outside of the Mantrap Nails salon, at a guy dancing on a street corner dressed as a robot, and at some colorful (and inappropriate for Richard's young ears) commentary from our driver. We arrived back at the terminal in time to watch the weird turnstile-thingy malfunction and crush some dude's pelvis, which Richard declared to be the highlight of the trip.
I WISH MY MOTHER WAS THIS AMUSING
After waiting more than an hour for the Flyaway to show up and distract Richard from eating gum off of the ground, we finally returned to Grandma Debbie's love nest. Debbie was nowhere to be found in her own condo, because she's under house-arrest at the hospital again. Afraid that cathaterization wouldn't be enough to foil her from escaping or pilfering the meds cabinet, the nurses rigged Debbie's bed with an alarm system that puts Lojac to shame. Debbie has spent most of her incarceration hallucinating from painkiller withdrawl and perseverating over the hairs on her upper lip. I suspected the lip thing was just a way to get some tweezers and pick at her infected legs again, so I advised Carolyn to ignore her mom's personal grooming crisis and go to bed early.
IF SHE WANTS TO HAUNT HER OWN HOUSE, SHE'LL HAVE TO GET IN LINE
Speaking of older gals in crisis, my Grandma traded in her utterly useless Vicodin capsules for extremely effective morphine patches. High on more than just life and probably communing with the many spooks that regularly float through her living room, Grandma has completely forgotten about all of her favorite things- food, family gossip, and Everybody Loves Raymond. My grandmother is making a fast run for the after-life border, where my grandpa supposedly awaits her so they can play mind games with each other for the rest of eternity. Who says there's not a Hell ? Anyway, she's taken up her usual perch on the end of the couch, my aunts tenderly repositioning her everytime she keels over from all the morphine. I can think of worse ways to go.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN' ?
Don't you just hate when someone owes you money or borrows something, then YOU have to ask THEM where the hell it is and THEY give YOU an attitude ? Me too. I'm complaining about Julie (as usual), who 's into me for forty smackers and never returned Tammy's only white shirt, but says we're insensitive assholes because we didn't read her mind and know that it's the anniversary of her cat's death and she's too incompacitated by grief to drive for 10 minutes and return what she borrowed 4 months ago. AND she has a debilitating cold-sore. Being the vengeful gal that I am, I plan to show up at her place with Richard in tow and turn him loose on her remaining cat until she forks over my money. Don't ever cross me- you have been warned.
THERE'S NEVER A DULL MOMENT
On Wednesday, the emu hauled ass across campus after casually strolling past the 3 students and 2 staff members assigned to watch his gate. Luckily for us, Scabby The Terrible was AWOL from her class again and lurching our way- Scabby not only slaps around the staff, she also gives equal time to roughing herself up as well, often scolding herself with her index finger (like that kid in The Shining, but funnier). She's not easily intimidated by large birds or even by large men intent on restraining her. Emus may have brains the size of watch batteries, but even they know a bad deal when they see one. Emu turned towards home in hopes that Scabby hadn't spotted him yet, and after much flapping of arms and wings we were finally able to corral him again with minimal casualties.
CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE
Select your own personal Hell from the following scenarios:
- being less than a foot away from and eye-level with the dried booger on Peggy's forehead whil questioning her as to the origins of the money in her pocket
- helping AJ write the same IEP goal for 30 minutes and then finding out he's deleted the whole thing because he doesn't know how to save documents
- listening to Lawdy and The Aggravated Texan bicker like they're married over which foot Francesca refused to lift for the balance test
- being trapped in a corner of the staff room with Jai (an alumni of our campus, I suspect), Beth(preachy coworker who critiques your spiritual beliefs without any invitation to do so), and AJ (repeats the same thing a billion times)
- sitting next to Andy while he licks on your arm, attempts to insert his drooly hand into your cleavage, and makes a deposit in the Bank Of Diaper
Been there, done that...
HE ASKED FOR A SECURITY PAT-DOWN, BUT YOU HAVE TO BUY A TICKET FOR THAT KIND OF THING
Richard and I went on an outing to LAX last weekend, supposedly to watch the planes land and take off. However, Richard had his own agenda, and spent most of the outing flirting with policemen and asking to be cuffed. I found the bus ride there and back more interesting than the airport. Gazing through the bug-encrusted window, I was amused by the line outside of the Mantrap Nails salon, at a guy dancing on a street corner dressed as a robot, and at some colorful (and inappropriate for Richard's young ears) commentary from our driver. We arrived back at the terminal in time to watch the weird turnstile-thingy malfunction and crush some dude's pelvis, which Richard declared to be the highlight of the trip.
I WISH MY MOTHER WAS THIS AMUSING
After waiting more than an hour for the Flyaway to show up and distract Richard from eating gum off of the ground, we finally returned to Grandma Debbie's love nest. Debbie was nowhere to be found in her own condo, because she's under house-arrest at the hospital again. Afraid that cathaterization wouldn't be enough to foil her from escaping or pilfering the meds cabinet, the nurses rigged Debbie's bed with an alarm system that puts Lojac to shame. Debbie has spent most of her incarceration hallucinating from painkiller withdrawl and perseverating over the hairs on her upper lip. I suspected the lip thing was just a way to get some tweezers and pick at her infected legs again, so I advised Carolyn to ignore her mom's personal grooming crisis and go to bed early.
IF SHE WANTS TO HAUNT HER OWN HOUSE, SHE'LL HAVE TO GET IN LINE
Speaking of older gals in crisis, my Grandma traded in her utterly useless Vicodin capsules for extremely effective morphine patches. High on more than just life and probably communing with the many spooks that regularly float through her living room, Grandma has completely forgotten about all of her favorite things- food, family gossip, and Everybody Loves Raymond. My grandmother is making a fast run for the after-life border, where my grandpa supposedly awaits her so they can play mind games with each other for the rest of eternity. Who says there's not a Hell ? Anyway, she's taken up her usual perch on the end of the couch, my aunts tenderly repositioning her everytime she keels over from all the morphine. I can think of worse ways to go.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN' ?
Don't you just hate when someone owes you money or borrows something, then YOU have to ask THEM where the hell it is and THEY give YOU an attitude ? Me too. I'm complaining about Julie (as usual), who 's into me for forty smackers and never returned Tammy's only white shirt, but says we're insensitive assholes because we didn't read her mind and know that it's the anniversary of her cat's death and she's too incompacitated by grief to drive for 10 minutes and return what she borrowed 4 months ago. AND she has a debilitating cold-sore. Being the vengeful gal that I am, I plan to show up at her place with Richard in tow and turn him loose on her remaining cat until she forks over my money. Don't ever cross me- you have been warned.
THERE'S NEVER A DULL MOMENT
On Wednesday, the emu hauled ass across campus after casually strolling past the 3 students and 2 staff members assigned to watch his gate. Luckily for us, Scabby The Terrible was AWOL from her class again and lurching our way- Scabby not only slaps around the staff, she also gives equal time to roughing herself up as well, often scolding herself with her index finger (like that kid in The Shining, but funnier). She's not easily intimidated by large birds or even by large men intent on restraining her. Emus may have brains the size of watch batteries, but even they know a bad deal when they see one. Emu turned towards home in hopes that Scabby hadn't spotted him yet, and after much flapping of arms and wings we were finally able to corral him again with minimal casualties.
CHOOSE YOUR OWN ADVENTURE
Select your own personal Hell from the following scenarios:
- being less than a foot away from and eye-level with the dried booger on Peggy's forehead whil questioning her as to the origins of the money in her pocket
- helping AJ write the same IEP goal for 30 minutes and then finding out he's deleted the whole thing because he doesn't know how to save documents
- listening to Lawdy and The Aggravated Texan bicker like they're married over which foot Francesca refused to lift for the balance test
- being trapped in a corner of the staff room with Jai (an alumni of our campus, I suspect), Beth(preachy coworker who critiques your spiritual beliefs without any invitation to do so), and AJ (repeats the same thing a billion times)
- sitting next to Andy while he licks on your arm, attempts to insert his drooly hand into your cleavage, and makes a deposit in the Bank Of Diaper
Been there, done that...
posted by Fredrika Krueger at 9:20 PM
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