Big Mouth Strikes Again, And I've Got No Right To Take My Place In The Human Race

You don't have to like 80's music to read this blog, but it would definately help...

I had the most awesome post of the summer all finished, so I hit publish and then watched in horror as the entire computer turned itself off. Turns out AT&T was working on a line 3 buildings away, and noone can figure out how that had anything to do with our phone line, but they had to call into the main office and futz around for 20 minutes before I could vent my spleen again. This one isn't as funny, but I hope it'll do...

My first section was originally about Richard's daycare provider, Mercy. I'm not especially fond of anybody at 5:30 in the morning, least of all someone in a hurry to share her every deep thought on vegetarianism ("annoying"), homosexuals ("scary"), and other Latinos (you don't want to know). Fortunately, Mercy seems to tolerate me better than I do her, probably because as soon as we arrive she goes back to bed and relies on me to answer the door when the other kids arrive.

Mercy usually emerges from her slumber pod around 7 and begins The Daily Prattle. After about 10 minutes of extremely small talk, my stoicism wears off and I attempt to derail her train of undeveloped thought by bringing up our mutual favorite subject,
These Kids Today. Our format for TKT is remarkably similar to other TKT mantras recited at every school I've ever lurked at. The general format is as follows:

These Kids Today, And What's wrong With 'em:
- Spoiled/Lazy/No respect for hypocritical elders
- Funny hair/Loud music
- Think every life-form with a vagina will wait on them
- Think their every thought/feeling must be expressed and validated
- Their fear of silence results in noise-pollution from cellphones, TVs, IPODs, etc.
- Most of them are mind-numbingly boring to be around

Sub-topic #1: Parental Uses Of These Kids Today:
- For personal growth
- As an accessory/status symbol
- To live vicariously through / to meet own convoluted needs
- Potential kidney donor
- To project own issues onto
- To placate spouse (even though you never wanted kids)
- Slave labor
- Pawn to use against your spouse in power struggles

Sub-topic #2: What To Do About These Kids Today:
- Smack their infantilizing parents upside the head
- Sell them on the Black Market to organ harvesters

I usually go off on a side tangent at this point about mothers who live vicariously through their sons (aka The Other Non-Threatening Spouse), allowing them to disrespect people and be an annoying snot because Mom secretly wants to do the same. These are often the same women who accuse confident women of "putting themselves out there too much", accuse women who express an unpopular opinion of needing to be "taken down a peg", and accuse single women with enough sense not to marry an autocratic dickhead of being "selfish". I think subjecting others to your brat because you're too lazy or emotionally disturbed to teach him manners is "selfish", but what would I know ? There I go, putting myself out there again. Someone should take me down a peg...

We then speculate on which parent has the worst personal boundaries until Miss Brown slouches up to the door and puts an end to the frivolity, whisking Richard away in her Ghetto Fabulous car for another day of Camp Hot Chocolate. I depart for the bus, which will be manned by a driver pod who shows up whenever the hell he feels like it, usually without any air-conditioning.

A BRIEF INTERMISSION BEFORE THE NEXT ACT
Al 's daughter hasn't said boo to me since he shuffled off this mortal coil, then e-mails me out of the blue asking for my phone number. I stupidly assume she's asking for social reasons, but no, she calls me on my cell phone and wastes my minutes trying to rope me into some damned pyramid scheme ! As soon as I politely blew her off, she had nothing more to say. No one can accuse her of wasting time with small talk...

SEX AND THE CITY
The other part of my magnum opus was about Carolyn's sister, Laura, who spent the weekend enduring weird looks from Rog (like there's any other kind), weird religiosity from her crazy Aunt Susan (often referred to as JeSusan, so as not to be confused with MY crazy Aunt Susan) and endless hectoring from me to walk a little faster.

We boogied on down to Hollywood Blvd. looking for tools of Laura's trade, and a T-shirt for her picky-ass roommate. At one of the billion tattoo places on the Blvd., Laura tested a leather riding crop out on a lethargic salesboy and proclaimed it satisfactory. I considered buying one of my own and making a career change, but I hate PVC clothing- too many straps/buckles/laces I'd have to undo in the bathroom.

Speaking of clothing, we wandered into a shoe store and were accosted by the world's worst salesman, who demanded to know what Laura wanted the boots for before he'd take them down off of the display. She calmly stated "I'm a professional dominatrix", which in Hollywood is like saying you sell insurance, but this guy was apparently new to the neighborhood and proceeded to freak out. She never did buy the boots, but did needle him a few more minutes just for fun until he looked ready whip out (no pun intended) a flask and chug some liquid courage.

Susan withdrew her offer of a ride to the airport because Laura refused to accept Jesus as her personal Lord and savior. Susan also forbid the application of the phrase "cute little devil" to her infant grandson, because any use of the word devil "opens the door to Satan". Too bad- I really do love his eggs...

I'm always annoyed when certain Christians get going on a Satan whirley- they talk so much about the Devil, you'd think that's who they worship. As far as I know, God hasn't fried anyone in Hell just for eating Devil's Food Cake, but maybe I've got the wrong guy or something. A couple of my former pastors preached that if you really believe God is so awesome, then that's who you should be talking about instead of Satan, which their flock pointedly ignored.

Hey, how about exhibiting some of that fabled "joy of the Lord" while you're at it ? Judging from some of the people He supposedly created and allows to walk around on this planet, God definately exhibits a sense of humor- go thou and do likewise.