The Quick And The Brain Dead
DEBBIE DOES METHADONE
Truth is definately stranger than fiction in Richard's family. Debbie is Richard's grandma, and mom to the long-suffering Carolyn. When she isn't trying to get admitted to the emergency room so she can filch more painkillers from an unsuspecting intern (her usual doctor refuses to up her dose any further), she's usually to be found on her throne in the bathroom punching needles full of god-kows-what into herself. Somehow, she got a jones on Saturday to bandage her pincushion legs in the latest wrap-a-round fashion, and ended up taping herself to the toilet.
Debbie couldn't get free to answer the doorbell, and had to wait until Carolyn discovered her in bondage. Ah, youth... anyway, she wasn't able to attend Richard's birthday party, but sent in her stead Rod, clad in a fetching mesh top that screamed "gay disco !" and showed off his grizzled torso hairs to their fullest. It actually drew my attention away from his missing front tooth for once, and seriously hindered my ability to enjoy my cake. Not that I looked much better, with my flapping batwing arms and sagging, stretchmarked cleavage hanging out of my stretched-to-maximum-capacity swimtop. Hott !
THERE IS A GOD, PART 2
Li Li got another job- yay ! She visited her new job site Friday morning dressed to the nines in a sleeveless summer dress, but was so whacked out on her narcotics that she forgot she hasn't been able to shave for two weeks. When she hung out the door at snack time with her arm raised to grasp the frame, it was a sight to behold. I was momentarily confused- had I joined a commune and somehow forgotten, or was I merely having a flashback ? I kept expecting to smell patchouli, but fortunately was spared any more contemplation of the matter by Antony, who tripped over a truck at that very moment and split open his lip and nose. I never knew you could actually split your nose, but you learn something new every day, right ?
Fortunately, one of the other side effects of Li Li's meds is that she becomes an almost tolerable human being while on them, and I'm hoping she develops a habit and stays in denial about it long enough to fool her new coworkers, at least until she passes her probation- no way I want them catching on and sending her back here.
WHAT WOULD JESUS SHIRK ?
I hope I don't sound intolerant for having an issue when Jacky reads his Bible at naptime, but his communion with the Lord is so deep that Lizardbella took advantage of the lacking supervision on Thursday and got off her cot to stroll upstairs to the cubby area, pilfering toys and candy from her classmates. God's voice was so loud that it apparently drowned out my own as I yelled at her for several minutes, then finally snapped and left my own kids unsupervised so I could go and apprehend her. Twice.
My students seized the opportunity to throw shoes at/steal sippy cups from each other while I was gone, and as soon as I returned each time, Lizardbella would get back up and meander past Jacky and the Lord, seated directly across from her cot (or maybe the Lord was floating up in the air or something- I'm not quite sure how these things work). On Friday, I gave up and split the cubby loot with her- we consumed two rolls of Sprees before Kary finally caught on and banished Bella to Penny's office.
IT'S NOT EASY BEING GREEN (IN A BOWL OF STAGNANT WATER)
- The two frogs at our pre-school, Mustard and Ketchup, can usually be found crouched in a festering bowl of water that smells like a grave by Friday afternoons. Ricky finally cracked and attempted to clean the tank, and I'm sure you can all figure out what happened next. Fortunately, I caught both frogs as they hopped for freedom, earning me the undying loyalty of Ricky, who was too grossed out to touch them, and the admiration of Waffle's students, who screamed like they were being ax-murdered when the frogs hit the ground near them.
Truth is definately stranger than fiction in Richard's family. Debbie is Richard's grandma, and mom to the long-suffering Carolyn. When she isn't trying to get admitted to the emergency room so she can filch more painkillers from an unsuspecting intern (her usual doctor refuses to up her dose any further), she's usually to be found on her throne in the bathroom punching needles full of god-kows-what into herself. Somehow, she got a jones on Saturday to bandage her pincushion legs in the latest wrap-a-round fashion, and ended up taping herself to the toilet.
Debbie couldn't get free to answer the doorbell, and had to wait until Carolyn discovered her in bondage. Ah, youth... anyway, she wasn't able to attend Richard's birthday party, but sent in her stead Rod, clad in a fetching mesh top that screamed "gay disco !" and showed off his grizzled torso hairs to their fullest. It actually drew my attention away from his missing front tooth for once, and seriously hindered my ability to enjoy my cake. Not that I looked much better, with my flapping batwing arms and sagging, stretchmarked cleavage hanging out of my stretched-to-maximum-capacity swimtop. Hott !
THERE IS A GOD, PART 2
Li Li got another job- yay ! She visited her new job site Friday morning dressed to the nines in a sleeveless summer dress, but was so whacked out on her narcotics that she forgot she hasn't been able to shave for two weeks. When she hung out the door at snack time with her arm raised to grasp the frame, it was a sight to behold. I was momentarily confused- had I joined a commune and somehow forgotten, or was I merely having a flashback ? I kept expecting to smell patchouli, but fortunately was spared any more contemplation of the matter by Antony, who tripped over a truck at that very moment and split open his lip and nose. I never knew you could actually split your nose, but you learn something new every day, right ?
Fortunately, one of the other side effects of Li Li's meds is that she becomes an almost tolerable human being while on them, and I'm hoping she develops a habit and stays in denial about it long enough to fool her new coworkers, at least until she passes her probation- no way I want them catching on and sending her back here.
WHAT WOULD JESUS SHIRK ?
I hope I don't sound intolerant for having an issue when Jacky reads his Bible at naptime, but his communion with the Lord is so deep that Lizardbella took advantage of the lacking supervision on Thursday and got off her cot to stroll upstairs to the cubby area, pilfering toys and candy from her classmates. God's voice was so loud that it apparently drowned out my own as I yelled at her for several minutes, then finally snapped and left my own kids unsupervised so I could go and apprehend her. Twice.
My students seized the opportunity to throw shoes at/steal sippy cups from each other while I was gone, and as soon as I returned each time, Lizardbella would get back up and meander past Jacky and the Lord, seated directly across from her cot (or maybe the Lord was floating up in the air or something- I'm not quite sure how these things work). On Friday, I gave up and split the cubby loot with her- we consumed two rolls of Sprees before Kary finally caught on and banished Bella to Penny's office.
IT'S NOT EASY BEING GREEN (IN A BOWL OF STAGNANT WATER)
- The two frogs at our pre-school, Mustard and Ketchup, can usually be found crouched in a festering bowl of water that smells like a grave by Friday afternoons. Ricky finally cracked and attempted to clean the tank, and I'm sure you can all figure out what happened next. Fortunately, I caught both frogs as they hopped for freedom, earning me the undying loyalty of Ricky, who was too grossed out to touch them, and the admiration of Waffle's students, who screamed like they were being ax-murdered when the frogs hit the ground near them.
posted by Fredrika Krueger at 7:27 PM
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