Life Among The Savages
FREE AT LAST, FREE- WAIT, HAVEN'T I USED THAT ONE ALREADY ?
Yeah, when I left my last job (clever foreshadowing, no ?)... I got sacked today !
Yep, fired, axed, smoked, you name it. Why, you ask ? Or maybe you don't, if you've actually been reading these, but I'll tell you anyway- "It is unrealistic to tell 2 year-olds to sit down and expect that they will comply." Hahahahahaha ! Sorry, I've been repressing that since I got booted in case anyone calls for a reference. In the entire time I've worked there, not a peep has been uttered to me about this issue, but now I know why Li Li was so desperate to get me to copy those CDs for her this week. I suspect they are going to replace me with that Nice Christian Girl who subbed this week and is already complaining about how inept they are.
I was especially touched by how they fired me with 20 minutes still on the clock and my ride still screaming at kids to stop jumping off of the climber. I stayed, not just for the ride, but also for Shanna's sake, and I cried the whole time, which she interpreted as tears of joy. Shanna was so mad she wanted to quit in sympathy, fearing the never-ending diapering cycle that awaits her now every afternoon. We had just spent the day griping that noone else changes any damn diapers and Penny's a racist phoney for implying all the black dads are on drugs and we should just stop coming in (no problemo !) and yada yada yada... well, as Penny would say (but was smart enough for once not to), it's a blessing in disguise. Sure hope my landlord feels the same way come August rent time...
If you still care a rat's ass about what happened this week at demon-possessed preschool, I'd already written this and it's yours for the taking...
The title of this post was swiped from Shirley Jackson's autobiography about her horrid children and her bi-polar disorder. Hi-larious ! Speaking of being driven crazy by wicked children...
SPECIAL BONDING MOMENT:
Travis became enamored with the side of my face and licked it repeatedly, despite my increasingly violent attempts to dislodge him. Things got creepier when he snuck his hand up my shorts to caress my thigh, which is the best offer I've had lately but still wasn't doin' it for me. I finally dislodged him by threatening to steal his Spiderman lunchbox, but he was back for more the next day. Some guys just can't take a hint...
WHY I LOVE BAILEY
Penny actually hired a sub, named Tiny. I will designate her as Tammy Too, so she will not be confused with Tiny The Alcoholic Chef. Tiny Too's greatest asset so far is looking askance at the seasoned veterans everytime they use dark humor to avoid strangling a child instead. She was also appalled by the Red Group playing I Choked On at lunch, especially when Bad Seed Bailies announced "I choked on your baby, and you don't say (insert N-word here) !"
READY TO FACE THE WORLD (OR NOT)
Graduation Day was Wednesday, and nothing says age-appropriate better than your 5 or 6 year-old clad in a cowboy hat and plunking out "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" on Fisher Price baby instruments as Jacky sings off-key into a dead mike. Heart-warming, let me tell you.
HOME IMPROVEMENT
Arfer's parents have a goal to get on as many reality shows as possible this year, and are getting their kitchen and bath torn up for a show airing who knows when. Perhaps that's why their front yard currently looks like Afghanistan. Being their neighbor has afforded me much amusement: yesterday morning I spotted Arfer sneaking out unsupervised with a handful of wickedly sharp implements to "help" dig up their already decimated yard, then he arrived at school an hour later with a "boo boo" on his foot that in my opinion requires stitches if he's planning on keeping his big toe.
INSTANT KARMA'S GONNA GET YA
Evan thought he was Mr. Smooth, climbing on top of the fire truck and shouting "NO !" everytime I screamed at him to get down. His guardian angel went off for a smoke break, allowing Evan to tumble off the truck in mid-NO and conk himself on top of the old bruise from the last time he fell off of the firetruck.
KISS ME I'M IRISH (AND SLIP ME SOME TONGUE CUZ I'M PART FRENCH, TOO)
The Irish Fair rolled into Irvine last weekend- hurray !
High point: the psychotic fiddler who hypnotized my friend with his manic, bug-eyed stare and planted the suggestion that he buy the band's CD.
Other high point: Border collies herding sheep into spectators who stupidly ignored the warning to hang onto their toddlers.
Low point: $9.50 for some Birdseye fish fillets and scrawny fries, which I boycotted on general principal but secretly was jonesin' for.
I had been planning to incite the Roman centurians into attacking the robotic competition dancers, but was foiled by the presence of Renn Faire rejects who'd taken over the roles in the Celtic Village. Maybe next year...
RETURN OF THE MAC
This is blatantly off-topic but interesting to me and possibly a few of the ladies: I lost my Virtuous Violet lip gloss a week ago and had assumed it awaited excavation from one of my various heaps. Oh, the joy of finding it in my capri pocket- after two trips through the dryer. I am thrilled to say that an overnight stay in the freezer reconstituted it nicely, and not a drop of violet goo ever leaked out onto my laundry. Mac products are not only awesome, but I highly recommend the packaging if you're prone to melting things down...
Ok, I'm off to scroll down Craigslist for the thousandth time this week, and no, I don't want to talk about it...
Yeah, when I left my last job (clever foreshadowing, no ?)... I got sacked today !
Yep, fired, axed, smoked, you name it. Why, you ask ? Or maybe you don't, if you've actually been reading these, but I'll tell you anyway- "It is unrealistic to tell 2 year-olds to sit down and expect that they will comply." Hahahahahaha ! Sorry, I've been repressing that since I got booted in case anyone calls for a reference. In the entire time I've worked there, not a peep has been uttered to me about this issue, but now I know why Li Li was so desperate to get me to copy those CDs for her this week. I suspect they are going to replace me with that Nice Christian Girl who subbed this week and is already complaining about how inept they are.
I was especially touched by how they fired me with 20 minutes still on the clock and my ride still screaming at kids to stop jumping off of the climber. I stayed, not just for the ride, but also for Shanna's sake, and I cried the whole time, which she interpreted as tears of joy. Shanna was so mad she wanted to quit in sympathy, fearing the never-ending diapering cycle that awaits her now every afternoon. We had just spent the day griping that noone else changes any damn diapers and Penny's a racist phoney for implying all the black dads are on drugs and we should just stop coming in (no problemo !) and yada yada yada... well, as Penny would say (but was smart enough for once not to), it's a blessing in disguise. Sure hope my landlord feels the same way come August rent time...
If you still care a rat's ass about what happened this week at demon-possessed preschool, I'd already written this and it's yours for the taking...
The title of this post was swiped from Shirley Jackson's autobiography about her horrid children and her bi-polar disorder. Hi-larious ! Speaking of being driven crazy by wicked children...
SPECIAL BONDING MOMENT:
Travis became enamored with the side of my face and licked it repeatedly, despite my increasingly violent attempts to dislodge him. Things got creepier when he snuck his hand up my shorts to caress my thigh, which is the best offer I've had lately but still wasn't doin' it for me. I finally dislodged him by threatening to steal his Spiderman lunchbox, but he was back for more the next day. Some guys just can't take a hint...
WHY I LOVE BAILEY
Penny actually hired a sub, named Tiny. I will designate her as Tammy Too, so she will not be confused with Tiny The Alcoholic Chef. Tiny Too's greatest asset so far is looking askance at the seasoned veterans everytime they use dark humor to avoid strangling a child instead. She was also appalled by the Red Group playing I Choked On at lunch, especially when Bad Seed Bailies announced "I choked on your baby, and you don't say (insert N-word here) !"
READY TO FACE THE WORLD (OR NOT)
Graduation Day was Wednesday, and nothing says age-appropriate better than your 5 or 6 year-old clad in a cowboy hat and plunking out "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" on Fisher Price baby instruments as Jacky sings off-key into a dead mike. Heart-warming, let me tell you.
HOME IMPROVEMENT
Arfer's parents have a goal to get on as many reality shows as possible this year, and are getting their kitchen and bath torn up for a show airing who knows when. Perhaps that's why their front yard currently looks like Afghanistan. Being their neighbor has afforded me much amusement: yesterday morning I spotted Arfer sneaking out unsupervised with a handful of wickedly sharp implements to "help" dig up their already decimated yard, then he arrived at school an hour later with a "boo boo" on his foot that in my opinion requires stitches if he's planning on keeping his big toe.
INSTANT KARMA'S GONNA GET YA
Evan thought he was Mr. Smooth, climbing on top of the fire truck and shouting "NO !" everytime I screamed at him to get down. His guardian angel went off for a smoke break, allowing Evan to tumble off the truck in mid-NO and conk himself on top of the old bruise from the last time he fell off of the firetruck.
KISS ME I'M IRISH (AND SLIP ME SOME TONGUE CUZ I'M PART FRENCH, TOO)
The Irish Fair rolled into Irvine last weekend- hurray !
High point: the psychotic fiddler who hypnotized my friend with his manic, bug-eyed stare and planted the suggestion that he buy the band's CD.
Other high point: Border collies herding sheep into spectators who stupidly ignored the warning to hang onto their toddlers.
Low point: $9.50 for some Birdseye fish fillets and scrawny fries, which I boycotted on general principal but secretly was jonesin' for.
I had been planning to incite the Roman centurians into attacking the robotic competition dancers, but was foiled by the presence of Renn Faire rejects who'd taken over the roles in the Celtic Village. Maybe next year...
RETURN OF THE MAC
This is blatantly off-topic but interesting to me and possibly a few of the ladies: I lost my Virtuous Violet lip gloss a week ago and had assumed it awaited excavation from one of my various heaps. Oh, the joy of finding it in my capri pocket- after two trips through the dryer. I am thrilled to say that an overnight stay in the freezer reconstituted it nicely, and not a drop of violet goo ever leaked out onto my laundry. Mac products are not only awesome, but I highly recommend the packaging if you're prone to melting things down...
Ok, I'm off to scroll down Craigslist for the thousandth time this week, and no, I don't want to talk about it...
posted by Fredrika Krueger at 6:52 PM
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