Children Of The Damned
And you thought that movie was fiction...
IT'S LIFE, JIM, BUT NOT AS WE KNOW IT
Why is it the only time I have any interest in my workplace is when I am denied entry to it by forces beyond my control ? I don't recall having this level of dedication before I wrenched my back into an unattractive Quasimoto pose. I forced myself to go in for 1/2 days all last week, when I know damn well back sprains need 2 weeks minimum to heal before you can abuse them again, and am home again this week wondering why I can't drag a load of laundry up the steps like I used to.
IT WAS EITHER SWEATY SCOTTS OR THE STAR WARS CONVENTION
I'm sure limping around all last weekend had something to do with my slow recovery, but there was no way I was going to miss the Highland Games, with its freakishly large (dare I say steroids ?) kilted men tossing phone poles, and enough bagpipes to sound as if every cat in the Northern hemisphere was being tortured at the Faiplex. How could I resist ?
I did an unusually "girly" thing for me, perusing the jewelry area, and hit Vinnie up for a loan on a pentacle ring that makes my finger swell up 5 seconds after I put it on. I think he secretly cursed it in retaliation for my dragging him into a discussion of kilt plaid origins with the long-winded elder spokesman for Clan MacIntyre, but since Vinnie plays 'em close to the vest we'll never really know.
EVEN MR. RODGERS WOULD HAVE TROUBLE BEING THIS GUY'S NEIGHBOR
I bought an obnoxious bagpipe CD (Plaid To The Bone), which I plan to subject my downstairs neighbor to. From what I've overheard in his VERY LOUD phone calls at 3:30 a.m, he's fighting with his girlfriend- not that it was easy to make out the conversation with the EVEN LOUDER X-Box game blaring in the background. Personally, I prefer his satellite radio, which is usually tuned to brainless 80's music, but I digress...
I knew he didn't have much time left with this one- I could tell she was faking her orgasms every Sunday morning, and the usual pillowtalk afterwards had ceased.
Because of his dwindling lovelife and the hex I put on his car, Noisy Neighbor has been spending a lot of time at home and tends to fall asleep in the early mornings, which I predict is exactly when I'll suddenly get a hankerin' for the discordant sound of pipers accompanied by snare drums. Life is beautiful, no ?
BREAK THAT AND YOUR NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE WILL BE FREE-OF-CHARGE
Richard came frighteningly close to having his life span ended in the Disney Store by Yours Truely. I had the brilliant idea to take him to the mall on Memorial Day, assuming everyone would be at the park BBQing weinies. I was displeased at having to share my personal premenstrual space with so many of the Valley's finest citizens pushing strollers, especially when Richard kept ditching me and ducking into stores to kidnap unattended toddlers. He also attempted to pry used gum off the elevator wall so he could chew it.
The outing culminated with him climbing on top of Daisy Duck's head and yelling "I farted !" at a group of teenieboppers who were either shoplifting for the first time or just sucked at it. Richard then scaled the shelving like Spiderman and attempted to remove the $70 sculpture of Buzz Lightyear so he could break Zorg off of it ("I don't like that Zorg is shooting him. Do not say 'get down' to me !"). I brought the festivities to an end by threatening to drive off without him, and not one person in the store bothered to point out that I was bluffing. That's what I call "Community Spirit" ...
"WHAT DO I GOTTA DO TO GET OFFA THIS ROCK ?!"
Die of heart failure, apparently. I can't spell what he actually died of, but everyone who knew my friend Al was aware that his heart had already "died" when his wife did. Al has left us for the Great Den Meeting In The Sky, where the Scouts are all capable glittering pinecones without adult supervision and the Christmas Tree Lot does brisk business all year...
MY NEXT MATH TEACHER BETTER STOCK UP ON EXTRA-STRENGTH TYLENOL
Despite only 4 correct answers out of 10, I got a B on my final and a B in the class. I suspect Professor Phule, he of the disasterous hair plugs, passed me so there'd be no chance of my repeating his class and asking more questions such as "Yeah, but WHY are you multiplying both sides by 100 ?"
AND YOU THOUGHT TAROT WAS SCARY BECAUSE OF THE DEATH CARD...
Unemployment has left me with lots of time to sneak on my roommate's computer and troll the internet for unusual card decks. Here are some of my favorites so far:
The Jesus Deck- perfect for poker night because you can hold 4 apostles instead of aces.
The Alcohol Tarot- starts with The Drunken Fool and has a frat house on the Tower card.
The Baseball Tarot, The Metrosexual Tarot, The Brotherhood Tarot (Exploring Man's Love For His Fellow Man), and my new favorite, the Baroque Bohemian Cats Deck- dressing your animals up in period costume is wrong on so many levels...now if only Bob would stop by and interpret the Star Trek Tarot for me...
IT'S LIFE, JIM, BUT NOT AS WE KNOW IT
Why is it the only time I have any interest in my workplace is when I am denied entry to it by forces beyond my control ? I don't recall having this level of dedication before I wrenched my back into an unattractive Quasimoto pose. I forced myself to go in for 1/2 days all last week, when I know damn well back sprains need 2 weeks minimum to heal before you can abuse them again, and am home again this week wondering why I can't drag a load of laundry up the steps like I used to.
IT WAS EITHER SWEATY SCOTTS OR THE STAR WARS CONVENTION
I'm sure limping around all last weekend had something to do with my slow recovery, but there was no way I was going to miss the Highland Games, with its freakishly large (dare I say steroids ?) kilted men tossing phone poles, and enough bagpipes to sound as if every cat in the Northern hemisphere was being tortured at the Faiplex. How could I resist ?
I did an unusually "girly" thing for me, perusing the jewelry area, and hit Vinnie up for a loan on a pentacle ring that makes my finger swell up 5 seconds after I put it on. I think he secretly cursed it in retaliation for my dragging him into a discussion of kilt plaid origins with the long-winded elder spokesman for Clan MacIntyre, but since Vinnie plays 'em close to the vest we'll never really know.
EVEN MR. RODGERS WOULD HAVE TROUBLE BEING THIS GUY'S NEIGHBOR
I bought an obnoxious bagpipe CD (Plaid To The Bone), which I plan to subject my downstairs neighbor to. From what I've overheard in his VERY LOUD phone calls at 3:30 a.m, he's fighting with his girlfriend- not that it was easy to make out the conversation with the EVEN LOUDER X-Box game blaring in the background. Personally, I prefer his satellite radio, which is usually tuned to brainless 80's music, but I digress...
I knew he didn't have much time left with this one- I could tell she was faking her orgasms every Sunday morning, and the usual pillowtalk afterwards had ceased.
Because of his dwindling lovelife and the hex I put on his car, Noisy Neighbor has been spending a lot of time at home and tends to fall asleep in the early mornings, which I predict is exactly when I'll suddenly get a hankerin' for the discordant sound of pipers accompanied by snare drums. Life is beautiful, no ?
BREAK THAT AND YOUR NEAR-DEATH EXPERIENCE WILL BE FREE-OF-CHARGE
Richard came frighteningly close to having his life span ended in the Disney Store by Yours Truely. I had the brilliant idea to take him to the mall on Memorial Day, assuming everyone would be at the park BBQing weinies. I was displeased at having to share my personal premenstrual space with so many of the Valley's finest citizens pushing strollers, especially when Richard kept ditching me and ducking into stores to kidnap unattended toddlers. He also attempted to pry used gum off the elevator wall so he could chew it.
The outing culminated with him climbing on top of Daisy Duck's head and yelling "I farted !" at a group of teenieboppers who were either shoplifting for the first time or just sucked at it. Richard then scaled the shelving like Spiderman and attempted to remove the $70 sculpture of Buzz Lightyear so he could break Zorg off of it ("I don't like that Zorg is shooting him. Do not say 'get down' to me !"). I brought the festivities to an end by threatening to drive off without him, and not one person in the store bothered to point out that I was bluffing. That's what I call "Community Spirit" ...
"WHAT DO I GOTTA DO TO GET OFFA THIS ROCK ?!"
Die of heart failure, apparently. I can't spell what he actually died of, but everyone who knew my friend Al was aware that his heart had already "died" when his wife did. Al has left us for the Great Den Meeting In The Sky, where the Scouts are all capable glittering pinecones without adult supervision and the Christmas Tree Lot does brisk business all year...
MY NEXT MATH TEACHER BETTER STOCK UP ON EXTRA-STRENGTH TYLENOL
Despite only 4 correct answers out of 10, I got a B on my final and a B in the class. I suspect Professor Phule, he of the disasterous hair plugs, passed me so there'd be no chance of my repeating his class and asking more questions such as "Yeah, but WHY are you multiplying both sides by 100 ?"
AND YOU THOUGHT TAROT WAS SCARY BECAUSE OF THE DEATH CARD...
Unemployment has left me with lots of time to sneak on my roommate's computer and troll the internet for unusual card decks. Here are some of my favorites so far:
The Jesus Deck- perfect for poker night because you can hold 4 apostles instead of aces.
The Alcohol Tarot- starts with The Drunken Fool and has a frat house on the Tower card.
The Baseball Tarot, The Metrosexual Tarot, The Brotherhood Tarot (Exploring Man's Love For His Fellow Man), and my new favorite, the Baroque Bohemian Cats Deck- dressing your animals up in period costume is wrong on so many levels...now if only Bob would stop by and interpret the Star Trek Tarot for me...
posted by Fredrika Krueger at 6:39 PM
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