Y'all Gonna Make Me Lose My Mind...
Several co-workers spent the week telling me "...and it was so funny ! Put it in your e-mail !"
So save all your bitching about this mega-long report- it's not my fault you're all so damn entertaining...
BLOWIN' IN THE WIND
When Centennia stims along to the cloud of down blowing past from her coat, do you think she most resembles Edward Scissorhands trimming the neighborhood dogs (as observed by COLaS, complete with sound effects), or a dandelion tuft spreading its seed (as observed by Toby, in a rare moment of actual funniness) ?
JUST FUCKIN' WITH YA, CHARO
Charo, Our Lord and Savior, won mad props from me for knowing the location and importance of the clitoris. However, I disagreed with his assumption that merely engaging in coitus is enough for a woman to "feel at least a little good, right ?"
Ok, dude, let me explain it like this: Shove a cucumber up your ass- one about, say, the size of- you get it. Now, is it automatically pleasurable just because you jammed it in there ? Maybe you better not answer that... but do you get what I'm saying here ? Good. Please don't use that in your salad.
WHATTA YA GONNA PICK ? DIRT POCKET !
* First, I removed my Hot Pocket from the clutches of Jemmy
* then got it out of Jonah's spitting range
* then took it outside with me so I could keep an eye on it while we were being photographed for the crappy yearbook- you know, the one they charge more for every year without improving the quality of (and where Gill will be caught on digital checking out Lanie's enormous rack)
* then held it up so Lanie wouldn't knock it out of my hand (with her enormous rack)
* and then I dropped it in the dirt.
CONJOINED TWINS FINALLY SEPERATED, FILM AT 11
I caught Cholie and Gill huddled together in the staff room with the lights off, holding a kid's communication book in front of their faces and hastily springing apart when I opened the door for Latoya. Later, Cholie reprimanded me for teasing them about making out, saying I was "inappropriate" and she doesn't "want to hear any more rumors". I'm no poster-child for professional conduct, but I'm also not the one making out with Mr. STD in the highly-frequented staffroom. As for those rumors? I told her about them in October, when Gill himself started them...
CHEESER MAKES A FUNNY
After Rafa speculated on the potability of the water used to make T1's lemonade (all proceeds go to P.J.'s Lunch Fund), Cheeser observed that since P.J.'s dad is named Poi, then in reality he is selling us all PoiSon Lemonade.
GOTTA WHOLE LOTTA LOVE
* Jonah continues to romance Giode with hot shirt-licking action and the occassional bitch-slap, but so far his love remains unrequited.
* Angela let out a piercing shriek at the sudden appearance of Loo Anne and ran away.
* Cheeser finally told Lanie to mind her own business, nobody asked her opinion. Hurray !
* Bryon threatened to strangle himself with his own necklace if I didn't stop my incessant bitching.
GOT A WHOLE MEGA-LOTTA LOVE
* Bald responded poorly to the lame suggestion that he remove Mitchell from QA so they could be photographed shooting baskets together (because they're such pals, right ?)
* After enduring another gratuitous lecture from Igor about how all the aides should be in the room for activities, Giode quietly asked "And where is Cheeser ?"
* Angelina waxed macho about getting Jackie to fear her in QA, got slapped around a bit for her efforts, then stomped off asking "Who's supposed to be watching Jackie in QA ?!"
GOT EVEN MORE WHOLE LOTTA LOVE
* Centennia slammed her head against the bathroom stall a few times because Igor decided to exclude her from CBI at the last minute. Instead of seeking revenge upon the guilty party, she puked on my shirt and then tried to eat my pizza while I was cleaning up her ejected lunch.
* Redrum finally discovered the fatal flaw in his breeding program and tried to mount a female this time- Binanca, who wisely declined his offer. Maybe he'd have better luck if he asked Charo about the clitoris...
* At this very moment, Jessica is crying for no discernable reason under the IEP room window. Tears of joy, I'm sure.
REASONS WE NEED THAT SOCIAL SKILLS CURRICULUM :
* Giode confessed to purposely tripping Wazzi everyday, because he's tired of Waz constantly stealing his chair.
* As Lanie tried to make a very serious point to me during a discussion, I was distracted by her twirling a baggie of panty liners.
* Aries's demented speech therapist announced to our entire class that her husband just won't take the hint anymore to fondle her breasts.
WIDE WORLD OF SPORTS
* Zeke attempted to top the Sunrise record for Longest Lasting Woodchip Piss, scoring extra points for the height and distance of his urine arc. However, he lost points for accuracy, missing the enormous sagging trousers of Charo, OL&S by a scant few inches. The record for Highest Elevation Pee is still concurrently held by the infamous Doobie twins, who often golden-showered us from the top of the climber. Good times...
* China (new student with an even more infantile hairdo than Centennia's) chased Bryon across the yard and into the building. Larry tried to hop onto China and slow her progress, only to end up flapping behind her like a saggy diaper.
INNOCENT BYSTANDERS FLEE IN TERROR, FILM AT 11
* Jemmy spent half of CBI crying hysterically because he didn't like which way he was facing on the bus.
* Mitchell poked, prodded, and generally annoyed Oliver.
* Zeke attacked Wazzy in a territorial dispute over the mall's escalator.
* Johan Slimeycat became tired of Giode playing hard-to-get and shifted his amorous fondling to the unsuspecting commuter seated next to him.
* Elvin shredded Giode's face on the Orange Line, leaving bloody gashes running down his forehead. I'm sure the afore-mentioned unsuspecting commuter was feeling very thankful that he sat next to Johan and not Elvin...
SHORT BUT SWEET:
* After 29 years in America, Randall is still unclear on the time-change concept and asked "Do we do this every year ? Really ? Two times, right ?"
* Ringworm ravaged Scumrise this week (P.J.'s class and possibly Ahole's as well). I think that's funny, but then I'm not the one with ringworm.
* Get your tickets now to view Johan Slimeycat up close- he's growing random teeth through
the roof of his mouth. Sweet !
* Rash busted a rhyme that ended with "and I got to pee." Word.
So save all your bitching about this mega-long report- it's not my fault you're all so damn entertaining...
BLOWIN' IN THE WIND
When Centennia stims along to the cloud of down blowing past from her coat, do you think she most resembles Edward Scissorhands trimming the neighborhood dogs (as observed by COLaS, complete with sound effects), or a dandelion tuft spreading its seed (as observed by Toby, in a rare moment of actual funniness) ?
JUST FUCKIN' WITH YA, CHARO
Charo, Our Lord and Savior, won mad props from me for knowing the location and importance of the clitoris. However, I disagreed with his assumption that merely engaging in coitus is enough for a woman to "feel at least a little good, right ?"
Ok, dude, let me explain it like this: Shove a cucumber up your ass- one about, say, the size of- you get it. Now, is it automatically pleasurable just because you jammed it in there ? Maybe you better not answer that... but do you get what I'm saying here ? Good. Please don't use that in your salad.
WHATTA YA GONNA PICK ? DIRT POCKET !
* First, I removed my Hot Pocket from the clutches of Jemmy
* then got it out of Jonah's spitting range
* then took it outside with me so I could keep an eye on it while we were being photographed for the crappy yearbook- you know, the one they charge more for every year without improving the quality of (and where Gill will be caught on digital checking out Lanie's enormous rack)
* then held it up so Lanie wouldn't knock it out of my hand (with her enormous rack)
* and then I dropped it in the dirt.
CONJOINED TWINS FINALLY SEPERATED, FILM AT 11
I caught Cholie and Gill huddled together in the staff room with the lights off, holding a kid's communication book in front of their faces and hastily springing apart when I opened the door for Latoya. Later, Cholie reprimanded me for teasing them about making out, saying I was "inappropriate" and she doesn't "want to hear any more rumors". I'm no poster-child for professional conduct, but I'm also not the one making out with Mr. STD in the highly-frequented staffroom. As for those rumors? I told her about them in October, when Gill himself started them...
CHEESER MAKES A FUNNY
After Rafa speculated on the potability of the water used to make T1's lemonade (all proceeds go to P.J.'s Lunch Fund), Cheeser observed that since P.J.'s dad is named Poi, then in reality he is selling us all PoiSon Lemonade.
GOTTA WHOLE LOTTA LOVE
* Jonah continues to romance Giode with hot shirt-licking action and the occassional bitch-slap, but so far his love remains unrequited.
* Angela let out a piercing shriek at the sudden appearance of Loo Anne and ran away.
* Cheeser finally told Lanie to mind her own business, nobody asked her opinion. Hurray !
* Bryon threatened to strangle himself with his own necklace if I didn't stop my incessant bitching.
GOT A WHOLE MEGA-LOTTA LOVE
* Bald responded poorly to the lame suggestion that he remove Mitchell from QA so they could be photographed shooting baskets together (because they're such pals, right ?)
* After enduring another gratuitous lecture from Igor about how all the aides should be in the room for activities, Giode quietly asked "And where is Cheeser ?"
* Angelina waxed macho about getting Jackie to fear her in QA, got slapped around a bit for her efforts, then stomped off asking "Who's supposed to be watching Jackie in QA ?!"
GOT EVEN MORE WHOLE LOTTA LOVE
* Centennia slammed her head against the bathroom stall a few times because Igor decided to exclude her from CBI at the last minute. Instead of seeking revenge upon the guilty party, she puked on my shirt and then tried to eat my pizza while I was cleaning up her ejected lunch.
* Redrum finally discovered the fatal flaw in his breeding program and tried to mount a female this time- Binanca, who wisely declined his offer. Maybe he'd have better luck if he asked Charo about the clitoris...
* At this very moment, Jessica is crying for no discernable reason under the IEP room window. Tears of joy, I'm sure.
REASONS WE NEED THAT SOCIAL SKILLS CURRICULUM :
* Giode confessed to purposely tripping Wazzi everyday, because he's tired of Waz constantly stealing his chair.
* As Lanie tried to make a very serious point to me during a discussion, I was distracted by her twirling a baggie of panty liners.
* Aries's demented speech therapist announced to our entire class that her husband just won't take the hint anymore to fondle her breasts.
WIDE WORLD OF SPORTS
* Zeke attempted to top the Sunrise record for Longest Lasting Woodchip Piss, scoring extra points for the height and distance of his urine arc. However, he lost points for accuracy, missing the enormous sagging trousers of Charo, OL&S by a scant few inches. The record for Highest Elevation Pee is still concurrently held by the infamous Doobie twins, who often golden-showered us from the top of the climber. Good times...
* China (new student with an even more infantile hairdo than Centennia's) chased Bryon across the yard and into the building. Larry tried to hop onto China and slow her progress, only to end up flapping behind her like a saggy diaper.
INNOCENT BYSTANDERS FLEE IN TERROR, FILM AT 11
* Jemmy spent half of CBI crying hysterically because he didn't like which way he was facing on the bus.
* Mitchell poked, prodded, and generally annoyed Oliver.
* Zeke attacked Wazzy in a territorial dispute over the mall's escalator.
* Johan Slimeycat became tired of Giode playing hard-to-get and shifted his amorous fondling to the unsuspecting commuter seated next to him.
* Elvin shredded Giode's face on the Orange Line, leaving bloody gashes running down his forehead. I'm sure the afore-mentioned unsuspecting commuter was feeling very thankful that he sat next to Johan and not Elvin...
SHORT BUT SWEET:
* After 29 years in America, Randall is still unclear on the time-change concept and asked "Do we do this every year ? Really ? Two times, right ?"
* Ringworm ravaged Scumrise this week (P.J.'s class and possibly Ahole's as well). I think that's funny, but then I'm not the one with ringworm.
* Get your tickets now to view Johan Slimeycat up close- he's growing random teeth through
the roof of his mouth. Sweet !
* Rash busted a rhyme that ended with "and I got to pee." Word.
posted by Fredrika Krueger at 10:08 AM
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